Dog Snores

Some people have to have a room perfectly dark to get a good night’s sleep. Others want it to be cold enough to hang meat or maybe they want some sort of white noise. Me, I want it to be quiet as a tomb. Which is why I’m awake at 3:16am writing this column. I’ve been dog-sitting a very old beagle that must have adenoids the size of pomegranates because he snores like a freight train. Incessantly. So forget my silent night.

Do dogs get sleep apnea? I’m almost sure this one has it. He has all the signs. He’s overweight, probably has high blood pressure, and most of the time I’d believe it if someone said he’d had a stroke. I’m inclined to just take him in for a sleep study, have him hooked up to all the electrodes and find out once and for all. Then we could get him a little doggy apnea oxygen mask thing he could wear to silence the situation.

Did I mention that the dog is deaf? I think that’s because the elevated decibel levels of the snoring have damaged his hearing. They’ve damaged mine. I can only guess, then, that he has developed some sixth sense that alerts him when I’ve tried to sneak out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch where it might be quieter. But with Dogzilla, there is no hiding. He will find you. And sleep next to you. And snore. Really loud. If I slept in the car, he’d find the spare key, waddle out and climb into the backseat where he’d snore. Really loud. His owners have obviously gone on vacation for the sole purpose of catching up on their rest.

To add to the problem, I think the dog may also be narcoleptic. You can Google that, but it means he randomly falls asleep without provocation at any time. He’s half way through a bowl of Purina Senior Dog Chow when suddenly he’s snoring in his kibble. I can only hope the County has revoked his license because there is no way he is capable of operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment responsibly.

As God as my witness, this dog is the American Kennel Club Grand Champion of snoring. If my husband snored like that, he’d for sure be in the dog house. Instead, I’m here wide awake in the dog’s house wondering where the ear plugs are buried.

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