Rules for Running

The weather is cooling off and my running shoes are getting hauled out of the back of my closet. Not that I consider myself a “runner,” I’m not. But they don’t sell slogging shoes, and Nike isn’t exactly advertising their new Air Plodders, so I have running shoes.

As a non-runner myself, I thought it my civic duty to share a few rules of the road with other non-runners who are considering a jog and hitting the streets these days. So here are the Non-Runners Rules for Running (in no particular order)…

  1. Learn to spit. Spitting makes you look like you mean business even if you don’t. It’s also better than gagging which will out you as an amateur every time.
  2. If you’re a run/walker, someone who runs a little and walks a little (or a lot), always be sure you’re running when someone else can see you. Even if you have to push yourself to the brink of a stroke, run until they can’t see you then collapse in the nearest patch of grass and gasp for air like a fish on the beach. Trust me, your pride is worth it.
  3. If a real runner comes zipping past you, be sure and make fun of him behind his back. Over-exaggerate and mimic his running style and make faces. He’ll never know and you get the last laugh.
  4. Put music on your iPod that was popular the last time you were at your goal weight, target cholesterol level or optimal fitness level. If that was 1985, get ready to load up those favorite B52’s and REO Speedwagon songs. I know it’s excruciating, but no pain-no gain.
  5. Set small goals. Run to the bathroom. When you can do that comfortably, try running out to the mailbox. Jog down to the corner. And back! Run away from home, but take your cell phone so you can call someone to come pick you up again.

These are just some basic guidelines to get you started. Before you know it you’ll be spouting off about Personal Bests and 10 mile splits and how many times you’ve lost your toenails. Now get out there and run!Image

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3 Comments

Filed under Much Ado About Nothing

3 responses to “Rules for Running

  1. LOL! I love your rules for running! 🙂

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  2. I have one to add…. that my friend makes fun of me about STILL even though our half marathon was run (successfully!!!) months ago!!! I carry with me everything I could possibly need in the event of every running emergency known to man… including but not limited to: 90 ounces of water (fuel belt), phone, extra ipod, chapstick, tissues, gas X strips, mole skin and bandaids. My sister and BFF Steph Jensen were like OMG where are you running to?!?! How long do you plan on being gone?!?!?!!? WTH

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