Monthly Archives: July 2014

Boy Stink: The Struggle is Real

photoAs a country, I think we should take a step back and look at where we are funding research. While certainly a cure for cancer deserves a shot at pole position in the race for grant money, there are other things that are sadly overlooked. Important things. Like why do teenage boys stink and what can we do to find a cure? I’m going to start wearing a brown ribbon to promote awareness of the need for a cure for boy stink.

Currently quite a few of your hard earned tax dollars are being spent to find out if lab rats prefer no music to classical music or jazz, which they do unless they are hopped up on cocaine. In which case, they prefer Miles Davis to Beethoven, but, quite frankly, who born after the industrial revolution doesn’t — with or without cocaine? Whoever thinks its okay to write a massive check to find that out about rodents, obviously doesn’t have boys in their house or they’d be writing massive checks for important things.

I’m not sure exactly when it happens, but, it seems to happen overnight. One day you have a sweet little boy and the next you realize you’ve birthed this unfamiliar creature that possesses a superhuman capability to produce a debilitating stench. The source of this superpower, according to those who have dared wade into the zone of nasal destruction, seems to be the feet. Sports shoes, in particular.

I believe that we should funnel a large portion of the budget of our space program into researching … oh, wait. We don’t have a space program anymore. Okay. I believe we should funnel a large portion of the budget spent on salaries for the elected officials who canceled our space program into the development of sports cleats that don’t smell like decayed flesh after one or two uses. From there, we can conquer the unimaginable: sports socks for boys that won’t strip the stainless steel off the inside of your washing machine after they’ve been worn.

Surely there are provisions for research in this area in the Clean Air Act of 1970. We love our boys, but as Americans, we have a right to breathe fresh air. Maybe the cure won’t be found today or tomorrow or even in our lifetimes. But until we start looking for a cure for boy stink, we’ll never find it.

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