As I hippy-hop past another birthday and deeper into the world of Over 50 (Let’s pause here while you gasp in disbelief that I could possibly be over 50. No really, I’ve already stopped. Go ahead and gasp. At least try to fake some semblance of surprise. Okay, whatever, let’s move on), blah blah into the world of Over 50, I’m surprised at the advice that’s out there to tell me what I can and can’t do now at this age. I recently saw an article on the internet, “What Not to Wear After 50.”
Do they mean, if I’ve worn it 50 times, it’s time to go shopping? Surely, they aren’t going to tell me what I can or can’t wear. Otherwise, I believe they’ve missed the whole point of being over 50, which is I don’t care what you think I should wear or not wear. I can wear whatever I want and not give a patootie what anyone thinks about it.
Now, let me qualify. By this point in my life, I have developed the good sense to not wear pajamas in public. Unless you regularly sleep in the streets, no one should wear pajamas out of the house. Same with yoga pants. If you’re not going to actually do yoga, then wear something else. You don’t walk around in football pants if you’re not going to play football, do you? You don’t have to have a massive brain trust to figure that out.
Here’s a few more pointers. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t wear out your welcome. Don’t wear your problems like a badge of courage, because, really, it’s more like a wet sweater that smells like a dirty yak. Oh yeah, and don’t wear sequins before dark. That’s pretty universal for any age.
If you are over 50, may I suggest you wear feathers at some point. There doesn’t need to be an occasion other than you want to wear feathers. Wear a tiara. It makes you stand taller so it’s good for your posture. Guys, I’m not going to say feathers and tiaras don’t apply to you, too. That’s your call. If you’re over 50, you’re old enough to make that decision. Most importantly, wear at least one really big, gaudy ring. This will enhance the visibility of the hand gesture you make at anyone who wants to tell you what you can or can’t wear.