Monthly Archives: April 2015

Chicken Friend: A True Story


A friend of mine recently acquired a small flock of little chickens, which I thought was pretty cool actually. My thinking is that having a friend with chickens is kind of like having a friend with zucchini plants or lemon trees. Their bumper crop hopefully spills over on you. And when you look at the price of eggs in the grocery store, chicken friends are probably even better than zucchini or lemon friends. Except I think things might be getting a little weird for my chicken friend.

I couldn’t help but noticed when this formerly rational and seemingly normal friend had a picture of chicken harnesses posted on her Facebook wall. Chicken harnesses. A harness for your chicken, so you can, I’m guessing, put a leash on your chicken and take it for a walk. Whereas this certainly aids the chicken in crossing the road, it does hinder the whole idea of free-range chickens. It also brings into question whether my friend has mentally flown her coop. I mean, we’re talking about chickens not Chihuahuas.

These must-have poultry accessories come in several colors including pink for your hens and blue for your roosters; are available in various sizes while being fully adjustable; and will be the primary cause for your chicken to be bullied on the playground if the other barnyard animals get a gander at them wearing it. I suppose if your chicken dies of shame, it saves you the cruel task of ringing its neck before you turn it into Sunday dinner.

I’m slightly more than concerned about where exactly this could be leading my chicken friend. What happens when she realizes that there’s a Japanese company that makes an entire line of outfits for chickens? You know you can get chicken diapers so Henny Penny doesn’t poop in your house, although I don’t even want to know why you would have a chicken in your house unless it’s to keep the llama company while you’re gone. Worried that your chickens will peck each other’s eyes out? Well, not if they are wearing chicken glasses. Yes, the specs that prevent pecks.

I am currently in the process of herding up several people to join me for an intervention with Ms. Colonel Sanders before things get any more foul. And quite honestly, I don’t care what you think, I’m not making any of this up!


Filed under Much Ado About Nothing