There it was in my mailbox, an innocent looking envelope addressed to me. Yes, I thought it was interesting that there was no return address, but I overlooked that in the excitement that someone had mailed me a letter. My birthday wasn’t so long ago, so maybe it was a birthday card. With money! Except it wasn’t. I’d been mailed a packet of evil.
The envelope did not have a birthday card. No note or letter at all, as a matter of fact. Nothing. Except an American Seed Company packet of cilantro seeds! CILANTRO! In my mailbox! On a scale of one to Hitler, cilantro is off the measurable scale for how much I hate cilantro. I’ve hardly kept that a secret, and yet, someone has mailed me $.99 of unspeakable yuck.
My immediate obvious question was “Who do I call at homeland security to report a terroristic threat?” I see this as being on the same level as the whole anthrax through the US Postal System thing. And how did ISIS get my home address? Or the Taliban?
Then I have to ask why? It’s not as if I’m guilty of a crime by speaking out against the atrocities committed by cilantro. Every single day across the world perfectly good recipes are slaughtered, rendered inedible by cilantro. People starve rather than eat food contaminated by the menace, and I salute their fortitude to stand up against the evil. The struggle is real.
Just because I’m bringing this important issue to the forefront of world consciousness, doesn’t mean that I deserve to be terrorized in my own home. This is still America, the home of the brave and the land of the Free from Cilantro. Join me now in this important crusade!