I’m wide awake in the middle of the night reading an article in “Time” magazine about the importance of sleep. While the irony is certainly not lost on me, even at 2:12am, I did find quite a bit of the information alarming. Short of running an electrical current through my sinus cavity, I’m not sure there could have been a more effective way of making sure I never slept again other than that article. So, thank you, “Time” magazine for letting me know that not sleeping will cause me to become sick and die then making sure that actually happens.
According to the studies they cite, sleeping less than 7.5 hours every night will likely result in heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, and obesity. I’m sure they meant to also list canker sores, foot fungus, diarrhea, and scabies before they jumped to the bottom line of: AND THEN YOU DIE.
They used up four pages of type with a really small font to terrify me with facts about how my brain cells won’t have the garbage flushed out, my emotional stability will be threatened because of unprocessed negative experiences, and I’m likely to have violent encounters with lab rats because I’ll be cranky. Okay, so I have those things to look forward to, but only until I get Alzheimer’s or symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. All because I’m a nocturnal underachiever.
Not that “Time” magazine was all doom and gloom. They did devote an entire page to things that would help me get more shut-eye. For $300 I can purchase a ZeeQ Pillow. This memory-foam pillow sits up all night watching me sleep, monitoring my every move, and recording my snore patterns. Oh yes, if I snore, that pillow will buzz to “nudge me into a new position.” I guess if I keep snoring, the pillow kicks me until I roll over. Because there’s nothing creepy about a pillow with enough artificial intelligence that, with one small short in the brain chip, could decide to hold itself over my face until I quit snoring, moving and breathing all together. I guess I’ll sleep better – but with one eye open the whole night!
Now, because of my friends at “Time” magazine, I don’t even have to sleep anymore to have nightmares. I hope they understand if I don’t renew my subscription!