Monthly Archives: April 2017

Zonkers over Zonkeys

young-striped-zonkeyStop! Because you had me at zonkey! The Bayou Wildlife Zoo that is out between Alvin and Dickinson is for sale! Okay, yes, they’re asking $7 Million for it, but I think I could start a GoFundMe thing and raise that, don’t you think? I need this zoo! Because until just now, I had never even heard of a zonkey, but now that I have, I know that my life’s calling is to be a zonkey owner.

Zonkeys are a type of zebroid – a hybrid zebra that’s a cross between a zebra and a something else. While a zorse (zebra + horse) is kind of cool, it pales dramatically to a zonkey. I was already convinced I needed a small herd of miniature donkeys because they have a cute factor that can only be measured by the International Space Station. Then, of course, I’d need several guard donkeys to keep my dinky donkeys secure. The one thing I’m missing to complete the perfect donkey trifecta: a zonkey!

If that’s not enough, my new zoo also comes with a newborn giraffe. That right there makes the $7 million asking price a bargain! It is only possible to resist a newborn giraffe if you are completely devoid of a soul. Zonkey plus a newborn giraffe, how do you top that? Well, you add a white rhino. Not just your average, oh-everyone-has-one gray rhino. No, a white rhino. Thank you, we have a winner.

I’ll have other animals that aren’t zonkeys (but probably want to be zonkeys because who in the animal world doesn’t want to be a zonkey), plus 7 trams to haul around the 90,000 people that will come every year to visit me. The seller is also throwing in the bulldozer, of course, as well as the fleet of Jeeps. And I’ll need the $1 million the zoo rakes in every year to cover the $6,000 a month in Purina Zonkey Chow. Which is fine. You can’t have your zonkey eating table scraps.

Naturally, I have a couple of questions before moving forward like how do I get in touch with Matt Damon? Is that zookeeper’s wife movie still playing? I could probably pick up some tips from that. And who drew the short straw for hand-feeding the alligators? Not me, because I’ll be over here petting my new $7 million zonkey!

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