Rules to Live By

We’ve become the society of “Anything Goes.” There’s almost nothing too weird. Nevertheless, I think a body should still set a few boundaries and rules to live by. Otherwise, there will be no limit to how low you’ll stoop. How long before you’re wearing socks with your flip flops, sporting a man bun or disappointing your dog. Believe me, there’s nothing worse in the world than disappointing your dog. Decide now where you break the deal.

For me, I’ve decided that to live my life in an authentic state, I will never drive a station wagon with fake wood paneling. I don’t care if they’re now classics and cool again. I will forever associate them with Wonder Bread and chicken ala king out of a can and get a stomach ache. In that same category, I will never drive a minivan. No offense to those adorable moms with adorable children doing adorable things who drive around in their adorable minivans, but I’d rather chew glass. If I’m getting out of a van, I’m either being taken to lock up or dropped off at the airport park and ride.

I’ve also made the conscious choice to never wear sequins before dark. Outside the potential hazard of unplanned blinding sparkle, there’s just no reason for it. I understand it doesn’t get dark until after 9pm in the summer, but too bad. Stay home or pick out something else. It’s probably too hot to wear sequins in the summer anyway. Glitter is just tiny sequins, so tack on glitter under this heading.

Now this is just me – I can’t decide what’s right for you – but I’m never going to pierce my nostril. That just seems like an idea that’s one flu season away from disaster. Even cows don’t seem to like that big ring in their noses, so I’m going to side with them and give a decisive and permanent no to nose rings in any form. For that matter, I won’t be mangling my tongue, eyebrow, cheek, or any place else that I’d be embarrassed to tell an EMT about.

Of course, we’re all about Constitutional rights. And by all means, you have the right to do whatever cockamamie thing you want. That includes wearing sequin socks with flip flops when driving your minivan at noon. But trust me, your dog will be very disappointed.