I hereby resolve… pffft

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutions-620x469_medium-300x226Oh yes, children. It’s that time of year: the ending of one year and the clean slate of another. That magical time when you believe you can do something different and be something different. It’s time to start making those New Year’s Resolutions, which, depending on the gravity of the resolution, may only last until pie is served tonight at dinner. What the heck, I’m going to make a few anyway.

This year, I’m resolving to answer every robo-call and unidentified number in a foreign language invented and understood only by me. However, it will be based on a long lost ancient Burmese slang, which I will also make up because I don’t even speak modern Burmese let alone the other stuff. Since candidates rarely hire Hindu monks to make campaign calls, I’m feeling pretty cocky that I won’t get called out on this ruse. And it guarantees I’ll annoy them a lot more than they annoy me.

Furthermore, I am resolving to stay away from Chex mix whenever and wherever I encounter it. I’m suspicious that heroin is often a secret ingredient that forms an immediate and unbreakable addiction. You only have to ingest one pretzel/peanut/cereal square combo to be headed down the road to never stopping. There is no such thing as a Chex mix serving size that does not fit in a five pound bucket. Therefore, my only answer is to go cold turkey on Chex mix, so please, no matter how much I beg, don’t give me any.

I’m also resolving to not just watch television shows about people exercising in lieu of actually exercising. Sitting on the couch with a bowl of Chex mix watching American Ninja Warrior, Biggest Loser, and that new show that Dwayne the Rock Johnson hosts called something about muscled up young people doing really hard physical activities probably isn’t going to make me healthier, stronger or skinnier. It may convince me not to attempt to pull a fully inflated tire off a commercial big rig and try to flip it over my head. But I’m pretty sure there was only a small margin of possibility that was going to happen anyway.

Finally, I resolve to be less snarky and sarcastic… Yeah, whatever. Can someone pass me the Chex mix?

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