Toilet and Taquito Trouble

product recall round grunge ribbon stampAt the end of October last year, 2,490,593 pounds of frozen taquitos were recalled with the threat of salmonella and listeria poisoning. Aptly and ironically called “Go-Go Taquitos,” the Texas-based Ruiz Foods products on the list included Beef & Cheese flavor, Buffalo Style Cooked Glazed Chicken, and Chipotle Chicken Wrapped in a Battered Flour Tortilla. Do you want me to wait while you go check your freezer?

A spokesman for the company said, “Don’t eat these.” Despite the belief that I’m just one intestinal parasite away from my goal weight, not eating these seemed like a foregone conclusion for me even before I found out they could potentially poison me. If, however, you are a more indiscriminate forager of frozen foods and ingested some, you’ll know you got the taquito Trojan Horse if you experienced, “diarrhea, abdominal cramps, headache, stiff neck, confusion, convulsions preceded by diarrhea” according to the company’s statement. I’m not clear, though, how that’d be different from any other experience with frozen taquitos. But I’m not judging, just passing along the warning.

In completely unrelated news, 1.4 million toilets were recalled around that same time with the threat they could explode. The explosions have resulted in shattered tanks and tank lids fully launched off the toilet. At last count, 23 people have been injured, one requiring surgery, when their Flushmate II 501-B Pressure-assisted Flushing System exploded without warning.

If a man’s home is his castle, his bathroom is his throne room, right? This is the one place he goes that he should feel a sense of peace, quiet and safety — of course right up until his toilet explodes. Then he’s left with betrayal, porcelain shrapnel, lacerations, and one hell of a difficult story to explain to the paramedics and his homeowners’ insurance agent.

The Flushmate II is common in toilet brands sold at Lowe’s and Home Depot from December 2015 through September 2016. A spokesperson for the company that manufactured the flushing system said, “Stop using immediately.” Which I’m almost sure means immediately after you figure out if you have one of these in your toilet. Don’t just opt for the bush in the back yard for the sake of safety if you don’t have to. Unless you also had the taquitos. In which case, take all precautions.

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