Monthly Archives: March 2019

Thanks Liam Neeson

Liam

Who are you gonna call?       Liam Neeson 

Recently, in the middle of a really crazy busy day, my internet service went out. For that matter, the whole electronic support system to my house went out. Of course, my first thought was that the line had been quietly cut by ISIS as part of their plot to abduct me to a life of militant radicalism. I’ve read enough creepy thrillers to know how all that works. So I sent a last final farewell text to one of my best friends, who, instead of contacting Liam Neeson (because he always saves abducted people), she told me to look around and be grateful for the things that did work. Here’s what I came up with.

I’m grateful that I don’t have a urinary tract infection. Anyone who does have a UTI, I’m really sorry. Have some cranberry juice on me. Urinary tract infections are in the top zone of the suckage scale and I’m truly thankful I don’t have one.

I’m grateful that I don’t need hair plugs. I’m not saying the time won’t come when I will, but right now, I’m solid. I actually have the kind of hair that’s begging for the wild, 1980’s big hair look to come charging back, although in modern translation, my look is more Crazy Cat Lady. One day, I’m going to be that old woman in the nursing home with stark white, Albert Einstein hair in a style that makes you question my competency. But I probably won’t have plugs, so feeling the gratitude there.

I’m grateful for the bag of snail bait in the garage. I don’t think garden snails fall under the protection of the animal rights groups. And even if they do, too bad. I say, “Come to mamma, you slimy little, flower-eating brother of a grub!” In the war for the roses, I’m bringing out the heavy artillery. Load up on the poisonous appetizers, you escargot wanna-be’s!

I’m grateful for my hot water heater, Amazon Prime, places that now sell wine on Sundays before noon, and other people’s dogs. I believe in a cilantro-free world of equality, peace, and well-used turn signals. I have a deep, honest appreciation for Liam Neeson consistently saving the abducted sequel after sequel. But mostly, I’m grateful that terrorists haven’t really cut my internet service and I’m another day as a non-radical extremist.

 

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Breakfast Brewsky

saturday-morning-lucky-charms-beer.jpgFormer First Lady Nancy Reagan cried out to America in 1986, “Just Say No!” Now is the time to once again put our collective foots down and just say no to an obvious wrong happening around us. I’m talking about Lucky Charms flavored beer. What the heck, people?! This is what happens when pajamas become pants, girls become Boy Scouts, and “house plant” is an option for gender affiliation. Is nothing sacred?

When I was a kid, Lucky Charms was sugar-packed cereal devoid of nutritional value that you got to eat on Saturday morning while sitting in front of the television watching Scooby Doo cartoons. It was your reward for not waking mom and dad up before 8:30am. Beer was never part of the Saturday morning equation until college, and, at that point, no one woke up before noon anyway. So how did this unholy union even happen?

According to the Norfolk, Virginia brewery, Smartmouth Beer, on Saturday, March 2nd, they released their newest IPA beer appropriately (or not) called “Saturday Morning,” brewed with marshmallows. It’s “brewed with house toasted marshmallows and cereal marshmallows in the mash, hopped with Galaxy and Calypso, and dry hopped a whole lot more. This IPA is sure to set you back with nostalgia, on the couch, turning on the best cartoons for a Saturday morning.” Again, my Saturday morning childhood memories never came with the threat of a hangover, but we were Presbyterians, so who knows.

And now that we’ve kicked the lid off of Pandora’s Box, what could possibly be next? Tootsie Roll Tequila? Or better yet: Pot Tarts! A clever mix of newly legalized marijuana with a frosted Pop-Tart®? You can get the munchies and cure the munchies all at the same time, the whole while hallucinating about your first Tonka truck or Barbie doll. How long will it be before the trend turns the other direction and Kellogg’s partners with Anheuser-Busch for Bud Light Flakes Cereal?

Take note all you breakfast boozers, Smartmouth Beer’s “magically ridiculous” “Saturday Morning” is only available for a limited time in Virginia. So hop on your Schwinn’s banana seat and pedal on over there before it’s gone. But bring a note from your mother and a designated driver.

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