Recently, in the middle of a really crazy busy day, my internet service went out. For that matter, the whole electronic support system to my house went out. Of course, my first thought was that the line had been quietly cut by ISIS as part of their plot to abduct me to a life of militant radicalism. I’ve read enough creepy thrillers to know how all that works. So I sent a last final farewell text to one of my best friends, who, instead of contacting Liam Neeson (because he always saves abducted people), she told me to look around and be grateful for the things that did work. Here’s what I came up with.
I’m grateful that I don’t have a urinary tract infection. Anyone who does have a UTI, I’m really sorry. Have some cranberry juice on me. Urinary tract infections are in the top zone of the suckage scale and I’m truly thankful I don’t have one.
I’m grateful that I don’t need hair plugs. I’m not saying the time won’t come when I will, but right now, I’m solid. I actually have the kind of hair that’s begging for the wild, 1980’s big hair look to come charging back, although in modern translation, my look is more Crazy Cat Lady. One day, I’m going to be that old woman in the nursing home with stark white, Albert Einstein hair in a style that makes you question my competency. But I probably won’t have plugs, so feeling the gratitude there.
I’m grateful for the bag of snail bait in the garage. I don’t think garden snails fall under the protection of the animal rights groups. And even if they do, too bad. I say, “Come to mamma, you slimy little, flower-eating brother of a grub!” In the war for the roses, I’m bringing out the heavy artillery. Load up on the poisonous appetizers, you escargot wanna-be’s!
I’m grateful for my hot water heater, Amazon Prime, places that now sell wine on Sundays before noon, and other people’s dogs. I believe in a cilantro-free world of equality, peace, and well-used turn signals. I have a deep, honest appreciation for Liam Neeson consistently saving the abducted sequel after sequel. But mostly, I’m grateful that terrorists haven’t really cut my internet service and I’m another day as a non-radical extremist.