Monthly Archives: June 2019

Whata What?! But Wait!

800px-Whataburger_Texas_TreasureOn February 23, 1836 the great State of Texas was under siege from a foreign source with nefarious plans to take away a foundational key to all that is great about the State of Texas: Remember the Alamo! August 8, 1950, Texas further establishes it’s predominance as the epicenter of Oh-Hell-Yeah when the first Whataburger opens in Corpus Christi. Recently, Texas again went under attack. A group of carpetbagger Yankees from Chicago bought Whataburger.

While I’m sure it was a universal response when the news was announced, my knee-jerk reaction was to saddle up, join the forces, storm the beaches and take it back! Having Whataburger guided by anyone who doesn’t understand that the stars at night are big and bright teeters close to being sacrilegious. How this even happened is unfathomable.

Then I took a minute to fathom it. In their defense, the carpetbagger Yankees do want to expand Whataburger further past the confines of the Red River and into places like, hmm, well, uh, how about MICHIGAN! Now I’m putting away my Bowie knife and considering the full impact of this. Honey butter chicken biscuits would go a whole long way to making Michigan and just about everything north of Dallas a better place. Maybe these northerners are the way they are simply because their lives have lacked Whataburger ketchup all this time. Think of how much closer we’d all be to world peace!!IMG_6375.JPG

Texas didn’t hold back Nolan Ryan from the rest of the world and yet he never forgot where he came from. Fire ants, FEMA trailers, fajitas, Frito pie have all carried the banner of Texas and maintained their integrity. Okay, maybe not the fire ants, but whatever. Dr. Pepper, Tito’s Handmade Vodka, and even Bluebell Ice Cream can be found beyond the borders and are none the worse for it. I think we have to have faith that even if you take the Sweet and Spicy Bacon Burger Whatameal out of Texas, you can’t take the Texas out of the Sweet and Spicy Bacon Burger Whatameal.

Is it really fair for Texas to selfishly withhold Whataburger from the rest of the country? Shouldn’t everyone be able to get a #1 cheeseburger with bacon, jalapenos and extra pickles, a side of fries and a root beer shake in the drive-thru at 2:20am? Come on, people, this is ‘Merica!

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Purse Problems: Just Me?

purseI know women who change their purses as often as they change their shoes. They’re always perfectly matched and coordinated which seems just a little shifty to me. Can you really trust a woman who can’t commit to one purse for more than one day? I say not. Personally, if I find a purse I like, I want a bond with it that will outlive the Apocalypse. Unfortunately, the purse usually taps out long before I do which is what happened recently, forcing me to find a new purse. Oh, the inhumanity of it all.

The only thing more daunting than purse shopping might be finding jeans that fit right or a bathing suit that doesn’t cause debilitating emotional trauma. For me, the process involves looking at every single available purse in a two state radius, narrowing the field to approximately ten possibilities, then taking everything from the outgoing purse and testing compatibility with the new candidates. If you’re someone who doesn’t do a regular purse purge, this is a bit embarrassing to do in public. And that’s today’s lesson learned.

Who knew I still had an individually wrapped Hostess cupcake that was given to me by a woman selling no-stick cookware. It was a bit worse for wear considering how many times my wallet must have been dropped on it. I found the garage door opener for a house I haven’t owned in 8 years, three gently used Kleenex, a jury summons, an expired asthma inhaler, and what may have or may not have been a contact lens. I had a lip balm without a cap, one earring, and four grocery store coupons paper clipped together that had expired during the Clinton Administration.

Because I have the same level of devotion for my wallet that I have for my purse, the new purse has to match the old wallet. I also don’t want to cause my wallet undue stress by purchasing a purse that costs more than my house payment. Oh, and the new purse has to pretty much match everything I could possible wear. I’m not sure if I want a purse so much as the messiah of leather accessories. You see my struggle.

But good news: After two weeks of carrying my purse possessions around in a plastic bag, I have a winner! That problem is now solved for another two decades!

(Note: The pictured purse is NOT the one I ultimately settled on, thank you for asking. However, if it’s more your style, it is available at WalMart.com.)

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Gifts That Don’t Give

gift cardWe’ve all gotten the ubiquitous gift card (look that word up). Everything is available in a gift card these days and what isn’t you can cover with the use-everywhere-major-credit-card gift card. The question, then, is what do you do with the gift card when you’ve spent all the money on it? Throw it away so it’ll end up in a landfill until the earth is struck by an asteroid and melted? Sure, that’s one option. I think I might have another, more immediate solution: re-gifting!

This is the season for graduations, weddings and Father’s Day. It doesn’t take long for your wallet to get sucked dry with all the congratulations/I love you/you’re a great dad stuff that is best expressed with a token of your admiration. But what if you don’t really like those people and don’t want to dump a bunch of cash on a gift for them? Here’s where the gift card re-gifting comes in!

Say your nephew is getting married. Because you happened to say at the last family gathering that the Bugs Bunny tattoo he got from his shoulder blades to his butt crack was ridiculously stupid, he doesn’t invite you. What better way to show him it didn’t bother you than to send a $200 Macy’s gift card … with no actual money on it? Of course he won’t realize that until he’s at the register with his new bride trying to purchase that MixMaster with the stainless steel pasta blade attachment. But at that point, you get the last laugh.

The graduate attending commencement only because his teachers felt seven years in high school was enough for anyone will love the re-gifted Target gift card. What better way to say, “Get a real job and earn your own money!”

For the father that abandoned you as a baby to be raised by wolverines? You got it: the re-gifted Bass Pro Shop gift card. Money can’t buy you love. And a good thing, because there’s no money on that gift card!

What’s the worst that can happen? The recipient actually calls and asks where the money is? Play dumb. And if you knew what ubiquitous meant without looking it up, then practice playing dumb so you’ll be ready. Now just consider this my gift to you.

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