Monthly Archives: July 2019

Gotta Question That

img_20190303_155732_clipped_rev_1Somehow you know if you’re going to the doctor, you’re going to be probed, prodded and generally humiliated in ways that could only come from some prisoner of war playbook. And that’s just answering the pre-appointment questionnaire before you ever show up. I recently had to make an appointment with a new doctor for the annual checkup on all the girl parts and plumbing, and, sure enough, here comes the dreaded questionnaire. But this time I was ready!

Question 11: When was your last exam? Okay, I answered that one. Question 12 wants me to check the box for either normal or abnormal. This seems like a trick question. How do I answer that one, because, at my age, what exactly is normal anymore? If I knew I was normal, wouldn’t I just stay home and spend my medical deductible on cheap scotch and expensive shoes instead of facing down this interrogation? I pleaded the fifth on that one, not going to incriminate myself there.

Question 23: Have you had a colonoscopy? Yes, it wasn’t fun, but yes. Question 24: When? I remember vividly it was July 2013 — a day that will live in infamy. Question 25: Where? … What? Seriously? They’re asking where?! … Uh, it’s a colonoscopy. I wrote down “Where you usually get them!” Hello. I mean, I don’t know where they get theirs, but there’s aren’t actually options, are there? These people are suppose to be doctors, right?

Since this doctor takes my insurance plan, I skipped the rest of the questions and turned in my form. Forty-eight minutes in a freezing exam room wearing a ridiculous paper gown and I’m good to go for another year. Except I have to get a mammogram. You know, just to double check that I have no sliver of dignity left in my body.

Then I look at the doctor’s orders for that procedure and at the bottom was the question: Is the patient pregnant at the time of this order? And my new doctor had answered yes!! YES?!!? What the absolute hell??! I added my own note that there was a pit in hell solidly frozen over if that was true and my doctor needed to be seriously examined herself by the medical board or an ophthalmologist or psychiatrist! Maybe all of them!

Meanwhile, I’ve decided that anything that might be wrong with me is probably better cured with cheap scotch and expensive shoes rather than another trip to the doctor!

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Straws Suck

straws suckWell, this sucks. Americans use more than 1 MILLION single-use plastic straws every single day. That’s over 365,000,000 straws every year. Considering the fact that plastic straws became popular in the 1960’s, multiplied by 365 million… that’s a whole heckin’ lotta straws out there in the landfills and oceans making a mess of things. So put your drink down for just a minute and consider some options.

Bamboo is a cool alternative. It grows super fast and, if there are no pandas around to fight you for it, you’ve got bamboo for days. An added feature: bamboo straws also work well as blow guns for poison darts. This is important should you ever actually need to fight a panda.

There are straws that are now made out of hay or wheat. Feed a Farmer: buy hay straws! I saw straws made from some eco-friendly other plant base stuff — although the manufacturer wasn’t exactly detailing out what that plant base was. Maybe skip on that one just in case the unnamed plant is actually cilantro. Nobody needs a cilantro straw unless they’re drinking bleach. (Don’t drink bleach!)

You can get fancy hand-blown glass straws. They’re simply perfect for sipping the mint julip on the veranda of your swankienda. Other than most of us don’t have swankiendas, the other drawback on glass straws is that they are, in fact, glass, so maybe not the right thing if you’re prone to seizures, lock jaw, or sudden falls while drinking.

Maybe opt for a plain old paper straw. Sure, they might disintegrate a bit before you finish that root beer float, but unraveling paper straws does fall in the same category as peeling labels off beer bottles. Harmless fidgety entertainment that doesn’t kill dolphins.
And here’s a totally novel idea: just don’t use a straw. Pick up the beverage and just drink it already. Sheesh. Is it that hard? Perpetual puckering gives you nasty wrinkles around your lips that make you look like you sucked a lemon or are descended from prunes. Not a good look. Plastic straws in landfills and oceans: also not a good look.

Once you kick the plastic straw habit, we’ll talk about plastic bags. Until then, on behalf of turtles and whales and pretty much the rest of the Earth, remember that straws suck.

Special shout out to Rethink, Canada for creating the print ad for Greenpeace. Learn more about what you can do to reduce plastics in the ocean at Greenpeace.org 

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