Monthly Archives: April 2021

Cat Attack

The name has been changed to protect past and future victims.

Unprovoked cat violence is real. I know. I’m a victim. 

I recently encountered a house cat on a porch in a respectable, safe neighborhood. It seemed like a nice enough cat, meowing to go inside and rubbing against my legs to be petted. I’m more of a dog person, but I’ve been owned by a cat in the past, so I petted its head. When I stopped, it pushed against my shin for more pets. Okay, fine. More pets. Except then, without any warning, it turned on me like a scorned junior high cheerleader and bit my arm. 

I’m not talking about a little nip or love bite. There are documented sand shark attacks that didn’t look this bad. There’s blood and an open wound. I’m hoping someone will call the paramedics before I go into shock. Mittens, however, could not give a flip. 

Fast forward to urgent care. Cat bites can actually be very serious. A lack of proper brushing and flossing or use of a good antibacterial mouthwash can result in a nasty infection from a bite. I was all about an antibiotic until I found out that Mitten’s rabies vaccine had expired a month and a half ago. While I’m google’ing if aggressive behavior is a symptom of active rabies, the doctor is, by law, reporting the bite to the sheriff.

Law enforcement’s response to the Active Biter situation was swift and decisive and I strongly recommended that the officers go full riot gear when confronting Mittens, Satanic Kitty of Darkness. Before long, Mittens was in kitty cuffs, headed downtown for a perp walk and some time in the hole. Meanwhile I’m watching “Ol’ Yeller” on a loop waiting for my mouth to foam. 

A couple of days later, I followed up to see if Mittens had shown any level of remorse. I’d hoped that a little time in solitary might bring him to Jesus, show him the wickedness of his ways. Mittens, however, issued no apologies. I think Mittens was busy getting a tear drop tattoo, carving shanks from bars of soap and organizing an inside crime ring to move illegal catnip to the streets. 

I want to believe that no cat is beyond redemption and pray that, at some point, Mittens will ask for the help he needs. I also hope he gets updated shots and a collar, accepts the will of a Higher Power and gets his anger issues under control. Stop the violence, Mittens! It’s time to stop the violence!

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