I turn 50 today, as hard as that is to believe. Okay, maybe it’s only hard for me to believe. But it’s true. This is my grand Jubilee birthday! My golden anniversary of life! Half way to 100 and picking up speed. There are a number of benefits to being my somewhat advanced age – not a lot, but a few – and a growing list of things from which I should now automatically be exempt.
No woman older than 50 should have to be a bridesmaid. At this age, a true friend would never ask you to stand in front of a church wearing the same dress as three or four other women. She might ask you to vouch for her sanity during a quickie ceremony in Vegas, but that’s not exactly being a bridesmaid. That’s closer to being a bail bondsman.
Women my age should no longer be expected to drive a minivan. Moms with toddlers and U-7 soccer players can swear all they want about how comfortable they really are to drive and how convenient they are to have. But by age 50, we all know they’re lying in an effort to buffer their own humiliation. Minivans are just an oversized extension of your purse on wheels with an onboard video monitor. Massive SUV’s are only cleverly disguised minivans, but women over 50 already know that, too. We should drive luxury sedans or sports cars with seat warmers, not bottle warmers.
I am now old enough to make friends with people I actually like being around, not just because they are around. My friendships are no longer simply based on playgroups, carpools or youth sports. These days, my friends have figured out that I’m beyond the reach of personality rehabilitation and have decided to hang around me anyway. We’ve all accepted that the cure for me will not be found during our lifetimes!
Around the age of 50, you’re exempt from wearing shoes that aren’t comfortable even if they go with your outfit. You are exempt from ridiculous trends like wearing pajama pants out in public. At this age, you’re old enough to know better. Same with skinny jeans, yoga pants and booty shorts. But those might apply to any age.
The best part of being 50 is that if you’re a bit off your rocker, you’ve earned it honestly and can wear it proudly. So, thank you very much, that’s exactly what I’ll do!