Tag Archives: bananas

Bananas: the One, True Threat

evil_bananaI can’t verify this, but if things continue as they are, I may be driven to the point that I have the opportunity to find out first-hand. But, I’m pretty sure that the road to Hell is trimmed in banana plants, those big, floppy-leafed scourges of the yard. The only thing that could possibly make banana plants more hatefully heinous would be cross-breeding them with poison oak. At which point, we need to tap out and surrender the planet because we’ve lost the war on agri-terrorism.

If you’re considering planting one of these pests in your yard, just go home because you’re drunk. You’d be better off – and definitely happier in the long run – if you simply backed up a cement truck and paved over your entire property. Although, this may be the only way to get rid of the chlorophyll creatures from the pits of someplace unspeakable once you’ve got them.

Despite my homeowners association frowning on such thing, I’m talking napalm, flame-throwers, small nuclear devices detonated from a safe distance across the street. Voodoo and practitioners of the dark arts are also not off the table in my battle against the bananas. Here’s the problem: you can hack them to the roots, dig them out and salt the earth and they’ll still find a way to come back. They’re vegetational herpes. This is truly the price we’ve paid for the whole mishap in the Garden of Eden: God said, “Get out and go live in shame with the banana plants.”

So after two long, bloody years of hand-to-leaf combat, I finally felt I had eradicated the green plague. Then as I’m licking my wounds and trying to recover from the resulting PTSD, the banana plant in my neighbor’s yard has sent up a scout on my side of the fence. Naturally, I’m triggered. The machete has long since been put in a locked location to keep me from hurting myself or others (like my neighbor who obviously shops in the garden center at ISIS Depot).

Unless your family name is Dole and you live in a jungle in Nicaragua, there’s no reason to have banana plants. Propagating this problem should be considered a crime against all humanity and punished accordingly. For the sake of all that’s holy, If you want a banana, go to Kroger.

(Tip of the hat to Mabination for the graphic)

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Wham. Slam. And Banana Lives Matter.

Wham460x276There have been several times in my life when I’ve been told that my mouth could use a better filter. (Truth: several times just this past week.) Okay, my mouth could use any filter. A bad one would be better than none at all which is what I have now. Except I believe that until sound-thinking, intelligent Americans start speaking out, we won’t see change. Until sound-thinking, intelligent Americans start speaking out, then all you’ve got is me.

To the radio station that says they’re going to play my “favorite hits from the 80’s,” and then plays “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham, I say oh heck no. There are no songs by the group Wham that are anyone’s favorites from the 80’s or ever. No one really liked them 30 years ago, back when we were all stabbing our inner ears with screw drivers because of Eddie Murphey’s “Party All the Time.” (Don’t remember how bad that was, YouTube it.) To that same radio station, if you play any song by Air Supply, I’ll rip the preset button off my radio, because I know you’ve sold your broadcasting license to Satan.

To the kid who bagged my groceries at Kroger, I can’t wait for the day when you actually have to pay for the food you eat. Maybe that will give you a new perspective about tossing my six pound, frozen roasting chicken on top of my bananas and ripe avocados. Yes, I was going to make guacamole, but not until I got home where I could have smushed the avocados myself. There was nothing more I could do but apologize sincerely to the bananas for the abuse they suffered, commit myself to stopping it from happening to other bananas, and then make banana bread. So hear me now: Banana Lives Matter!

To the guy who sat behind me in church, I know its allergy season. All of us living in the yellow-green haze know its allergy season, but take a dadburn Zyrtec already. God loves and forgives the sinner. I’m guessing He does the same for the sneezer, the snotter, and the pollen intolerant, but for the sake of all that’s holy, please take a Benadryl.

These might seem like small issues, but, if they’re not addressed now, they’ll become the downfall of our society. Therefore, someone has to speak up now! Go forward and spread the word. And, you’re welcome.

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