I’m chalking another successful trip around the sun! By successful I mean that I haven’t been arrested (as far as anyone can find through the Freedom of Information Act); I’m not in rehab for any sort of physical, mental or addictive problems (that can be reported to any of my many insurance companies), and I’m still paying into the federal income tax system. So as far as I can tell, I’m still in that sweet spot of my life: old enough to know better but too old to care.
Of course, I’m still of an age where I lie about how old I am. Only now, I don’t shave years off. I add them on. Someone recently asked my age and I proudly said 57. I’m not 57 – still several years younger than that — but this person was stunned and amazed at how incredible I look to be that old. They now hold me up as a testament to how to really live life and left bragging to anyone who would listen about how terrific I look.
Whether or not I’m old is relative. I still sneeze with confidence. I drive at night. I can flip a queen-size mattress unaided. I’ve discovered that old is in the eye of the beholder and it’s gauged in Mother Years. If you’re old enough to be someone’s mother, then that someone thinks you’re old. You can be 28, but a 3-year old will think you’re ancient. I’m only old if I can be your mother. If I can be your grandmother, shut up. Go get your diaper changed and take a nap already.
At my age, I no longer have to explain myself. I can believe and say whatever crazy thing I want, and it gets written off as “She’s just set in her ways.” I can broadcast to a crowded party that gender fluidity is directly correlated to global warming which is completely controlled by the Illuminati. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks. This takes much less effort and interest than actually trying to convince some pig-headed youngster of my position on anything important. Plus it’s a whole lot more fun.
Fun is now more important than dignity. I ride the shopping cart through the parking lot. I dance to elevator music. I wear whatever. Truly, youth is wasted on the young. With that said, onward to another solar rotation!
Photo: Not me. But thank you HappyBirthdayCake2015.com