Tag Archives: cats

Cat Attack

The name has been changed to protect past and future victims.

Unprovoked cat violence is real. I know. I’m a victim. 

I recently encountered a house cat on a porch in a respectable, safe neighborhood. It seemed like a nice enough cat, meowing to go inside and rubbing against my legs to be petted. I’m more of a dog person, but I’ve been owned by a cat in the past, so I petted its head. When I stopped, it pushed against my shin for more pets. Okay, fine. More pets. Except then, without any warning, it turned on me like a scorned junior high cheerleader and bit my arm. 

I’m not talking about a little nip or love bite. There are documented sand shark attacks that didn’t look this bad. There’s blood and an open wound. I’m hoping someone will call the paramedics before I go into shock. Mittens, however, could not give a flip. 

Fast forward to urgent care. Cat bites can actually be very serious. A lack of proper brushing and flossing or use of a good antibacterial mouthwash can result in a nasty infection from a bite. I was all about an antibiotic until I found out that Mitten’s rabies vaccine had expired a month and a half ago. While I’m google’ing if aggressive behavior is a symptom of active rabies, the doctor is, by law, reporting the bite to the sheriff.

Law enforcement’s response to the Active Biter situation was swift and decisive and I strongly recommended that the officers go full riot gear when confronting Mittens, Satanic Kitty of Darkness. Before long, Mittens was in kitty cuffs, headed downtown for a perp walk and some time in the hole. Meanwhile I’m watching “Ol’ Yeller” on a loop waiting for my mouth to foam. 

A couple of days later, I followed up to see if Mittens had shown any level of remorse. I’d hoped that a little time in solitary might bring him to Jesus, show him the wickedness of his ways. Mittens, however, issued no apologies. I think Mittens was busy getting a tear drop tattoo, carving shanks from bars of soap and organizing an inside crime ring to move illegal catnip to the streets. 

I want to believe that no cat is beyond redemption and pray that, at some point, Mittens will ask for the help he needs. I also hope he gets updated shots and a collar, accepts the will of a Higher Power and gets his anger issues under control. Stop the violence, Mittens! It’s time to stop the violence!

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Scouting Out Controversy

scoutsMen in dresses who aren’t even Scottish. Women in the men’s bathroom and not because the line is too long next door in the girl’s room. Boys want to be girls who want to be boys, and it all just gets so confusing. Now Boy Scouts are girl scouts but not Girl Scouts. Just girls being scouts ala Boys, although boys can’t be Girl Scouts so how is that fair? Because it has to be fair. And everyone needs a trophy.

Starting next year, Boy Scouts of America are allowing girls to join their ranks. Because how else can you earn your merit badge for Utter Absurdity? What exactly is wrong with girls being Girl Scouts and boys being Boy Scouts? Wouldn’t it just be easier to let the boys in on the cookie sales thing and let the girls do… I don’t even know what it is that Girl Scouts can’t do that the boys do, except pee against the trees when they go camping.

Honestly, I don’t think everyone has thought through this whole thing or considered the doors that will be blown open that can’t be closed again. How long will it be before a Siamese cat wins the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show because Fluffy the Persian identifies as a German shepherd. Will Lassie and Toto get cast as the leads in the Broadway musical “Cats”? And will crazy cat ladies be obligated to have dogs, too, on the basis of canine equality?

So if you ask me – and quite frankly, no one does – girls in Girl Scouts and boys in Boy Scouts or simply stop all the silliness already, lump them all together and call them “Scouts.” Whoever shows up, pays their dues, and builds a soapbox derby car is in.

Because, guess what!? Both sides are already charged to “Be Prepared” and “Do a Good Turn Daily.” Who knew, but both sides of the Scout debate have the same motto and slogan. We should probably now realize that what they’ve both been saying since the 1940’s is “Be prepared to do a good turn daily, because the world is going to get crazy and people will be weird, but someone still has to step up and sell cookies, salute the flag, deliver mulch, and help old ladies across the street. Scouts, it’s on you.

(thanks BuzzFeed for the photo)

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Reward Dead or Alive?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAFilling in for Jean Ciampi who thinks it’s too stinkin’ hot to work is Guest Blogger and Columnist Buster the Wonder Dog. A distinguished and grateful alumni of the Brazoria County SPCA, Buster currently advocates for animal rights (with the exclusion of squirrels because he believes they get exactly what they deserve).

Recently, I was out patrolling the neighborhood as any good and respectable dog does, sniffing mailboxes, trees, bushes. You know, checking the pee mail. That’s when I saw that someone had stuck a paper on a pole with the picture of a lost cat and the ridiculous claim of a $500 reward. My first thought was that this cat must have swallowed an expensive pair of diamond earrings before it ran away. Because unless the cat is actually a dog, there’s no cat worth that!

LostWho would pay $500 to have a cat given back? Just speaking from the dog’s perspective, I’d pay twice that for someone to load up a whole litter of cats and haul them off. But that’s just me and I’m a dog. Besides, why would you want a cat that, at best, has zero sense of loyalty and, at worst, has a miserable sense of direction? I’m thinking this cat got fed up with that family and moved in with someone on the other side of the neighborhood that has a bigger food bowl. Face it, that’s how cats are.

Of course, there’s a family that’s obviously upset. No one wants to see a helpless animal suffer – even if that helpless animal is a human. Unfortunately, there are just misguided people who actually prefer cats to having a dog. Yes, that’s stupid and those people should have their trash dumped over and strewn across their front yard to mark them as stupid. But regardless of that, this family, sadly, has an attachment to the cat that probably hasn’t thought about them even once. Because, well, that’s how cats are.

The kindest thing to do in this situation, in my humble dog opinion, would be to gently let these caring though confused people know that, for a mere fraction of that reward, they could adopt a really nice, loyal dog who would be smart enough not to run away and be their lifelong best friend. It may just be time to puppy up!


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Emotional Support Animal Fail

bad-parents-21-2In order to help stressed out college students survive their final exams, universities are starting to bring specially-trained emotional support dogs and cats to campuses. For just a few minutes, muddle-brained students can crawl out of the corner of the library that they’ve inhabited for three solid days without bathing or sleeping and pet a puppy. While I’m not sure this will help anyone overcome a semester worth of skipping classes, anything is worth a shot. You may not be one equation closer to understanding astrophysics, but you’re one fuzzy kitten less stressed about flunking out.

While this is a fine idea, there are a couple of issues here. What about the student who is allergic to animal dander? Instead of spending those crucial last hours memorizing the names and locations of every star in the galaxy along with its atmospheric density, some poor kid is scratching hives, blowing snot, and trying to find their Benadryl through swollen, weepy eyes. The idea of bringing allergen-free emotional support snakes seems to really work against the whole idea of relieving stress and it lacks the same universal appeal as baby bunnies. So, I’m not exactly sure how you balance that.

I have a dog at my house, but if anyone needs some emotional support, it might be Buster. He’s really old now, so he’s confused about a lot of things. And to be honest, when you’re old and lost in the backyard, stress builds up pretty fast. So I guess I need to get him an emotional support squirrel, right? Except squirrels practically send him into apoplectic seizures, not to mention what it does to the squirrel. Then I’m dealing with an unstable, geriatric dog and a yard rodent in stroke mode. Explain to me again how this is helping anyone.

If you ask me, this whole thing is over-rated and way out of whack. Find me an emotional support animal that can pour a glass of wine, cook a nice dinner, run the laundry and file my taxes. Otherwise, you’ve got AA dogs trying to play in the majors. As for the college kids, maybe study more and party less and you can face your exams without sobbing in the fur of someone else’s dog. Oh, and good luck with finals.

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