Tag Archives: cell phone

Cell Hell

ATT-Fire-ROHDear Cell Service Provider Which Will Not Be Named Because I Don’t Want To Be Sued: thank you for teaching me some important things about myself that I didn’t know before I spent nearly two hours in your store. Not since I tried to get worked in for an appointment at the doctor’s office during the height of cold/flu/plague/Ebola season have I had so much fun wasting what’s left of my life. I admit that I have been remiss in upgrading my phone, but, you understand, I would rather continue to shovel coal into the back of mine to keep it going than face your store. Only the unfortunate — though not unexpected — demise of my phone forced me to darken your doorstep.

The experience, however, taught me that I have the uncanny ability to suppress my dignity and nap on your floor by the front door. Shamelessly.  I needed that nap because I have worn myself out glaring at salespeople who aren’t helping me. Pulling together a really effective Evil Eye requires a lot of energy, after all. Otherwise you end up with a Not Nice Eye which just does not have the same impact. Real evil requires real effort. But why am I telling you that, dear cell service provider, as I believe you may be the actual creator of evil. (And if it’s not you, I’m thinking it might be my health insurance company. You’re probably working together, right?)

During my time in your store, I’d like to say what a joy it was to interact with your employees, except that would be a lie. While I accept that I’m on the express bus to Hell for a lot of reasons, lying isn’t one of them. Okay, maybe not the main one. Regardless, I do have to applaud your ability to find, recruit, hire and train people who can function without conscious thought, logic, or basic positive personality traits. Of course, Texas is a Right to Work state, so, yes, even zombies need jobs. Good on you for hiring all of them. I’m interested to know what the company picnic looks like, but, no, I don’t really. Forget I said that part.

What I do want to say is: “Thanks!” and I love my new phone that costs more than my son’s first year at a major university. I love that I’ll be reminded of this experience every month for the next 36 months when my newly increased bill arrives. It’ll be like paying child support for my phone. Oh, and I hate you.

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Manners On Call

no_cell_sign.1Okay, kids, take out your cell phones. It’s time to do a little review on cell phone etiquette. I understand completely how easy it is to get distracted or forget how to be well-behaved users of technology, to get sloppy and obnoxious to the point the people around you hate you even if they don’t know you. So, a friendly reminder on how to not be a butt head can be a good thing, too.

Let me just say right off that I love a good Bollywood blockbuster as much as the next person. Not so much, though, that I’m going to purchase the soundtrack, set it on repeat, and blast it on my cell phone in Whataburger. You may not be able to actually hear me yelling it, but, in this situation, I’m going to politely suggest earbuds. Honestly, in high school I had 36” speakers that didn’t have subwoofers like that. I’m surprised people in the drive thru weren’t asking for the Whatacurry Sandwich.

Remember, too, that there’s a time and place for cell phone use. Funerals are a no. Church, in general, no matter what’s happening is a no. If you’re in a church, don’t even think about talking on your phone. Just no. Movies, concerts, plays are great places to not use your phone. Why? Because very likely you are sitting right next to someone who does not want or need to hear you complain to your sister about your step-father’s gout.

Public bathrooms are the forgotten NO in cell phone use. I think there’s way too much attention given to who identifies as whom and can use what bathroom. I don’t care if you identify as a Blackhawk assault helicopter or an avocado, don’t be using the toilet and your cell phone at the same time. It’s just nasty. Good Lord! Wash your hands and use some Purell. Not to even mention that nothing amplifies your already too loud voice quite like porcelain and tile grout! Unless you’re calling 911, hang up and call back later.

Of course, there are the situations I shouldn’t even have to mention, like don’t text and drive. (Read that again: Don’t text and drive!) But otherwise, just pull your head out of your phone and at least make an effort to show some good manners.  

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