Tag Archives: cilantro

Nearly New Year

It’s cold; it’s dark; and you’re probably still hungover from that New Year’s Eve party. There is absolutely no better time to swear on what’s left of your good name to be a better human. That’s right, children, it’s that magical time to make those resolutions that will carry you at least three or four days into the new year before you completely forget about them. Okay, I’ll start.

I resolve to stop bad-mouthing cilantro. It’s just a helpless weed that can’t help it if it tastes like fermented roadkill. I can be distasteful myself, and that’s on my good days. So, I’m going to ease up on cilantro and accept that it deserves a place on the spice rack just like others that actually taste good and add something to whatever you’re eating.   

This year, I’m going to stop judging people harshly who use a plastic bag to carry their one box of Jell-O Instant Pudding Mix from the store to their car. For all I know, there’s a dark addiction and resulting shame attached to that box of pudding mix. So, hey, I can enable with the best of them. Keep that under wraps, Closet Pudding Eater Person. Besides, it’s not like I know an endanger whale personally who will die with that bag stuck in their stomach.

I’m resolving to at least attempt to understand the attraction to coffee, Disneyworld, “The Bachelorette” tv show, eyelash extensions, car shows, and golf. Because, honestly, up until now, I just don’t get any of it. There must be something to all of them as they seem to be wildly popular.

I resolve to not squeal in delight every single time I see Baby Yoda. I’ll go into the baseball season with my eyes wide open and not be shocked when the Astros break my heart (again). I’m going to embrace cold weather and enjoy wearing five layers of wool clothing. This year, I’ll get a tattoo and wear pajama pants to church. Oh, yes, I will.

… Hahaha yeah right. I’m not going to do any of these things. At all. Ever. Be real. But I will, with great conviction, reduce my single-use plastic consumption; drink more water and waste less of it; and stop blatantly lying that I’ll ever say anything good about cilantro. That’s not happening this year or any year. Happy 2020!


Filed under Much Ado About Nothing

Solutions for Resolutions

tumblr_mxypv3IGab1s6vo7to1_400If you’re scrambling at the last minute to get your New Year’s resolution lined up and are considering just falling back on a trusted standard like kicking that two 12-pack a day Mountain Dew habit, just stop. It’s a new year, it’s time for new resolutions. Forget the “lose weight,” “eat vegetables,” and “be a better human” choices. We all know that no one is going to do any of those and, even if they do, no one really wants to hear about it. Let’s be more creative.

This year give up using plastic bags you don’t need. Shocking, I know, but it’s time to eliminate the urban tumbleweeds already. I honestly believe you can muscle two bananas and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos to the car without a plastic bag. Give it a try. If you need additional assistance, get someone to help you out to your car, but skip the bag.

If you want a real challenge this year, something that will push you beyond where you think you can go, resolve to use your turn signal. Not just when there’s a state trooper behind you, but all the time. Changing lanes? Use your signal. Turning left? Use your signal. Right turn? You got it: signal. This is an advanced resolution, so keep the plastic bag thing as an option if you think this is too much. Most people do.

You can resolve to return your shopping cart to the cart corral. Don’t just leave it in a parking space or on the stripes next to the handicapped spot. Putting it in front of another parked car is not cool. Neither is hooking the wheels over the curb of the grass around the light poles. You pushed the cart all over the store, surely you can push it another 30 feet and put it in the corral. You can do it. I believe in you.

If these are overly daunting, go for the guaranteed win. Resolve to not talk on your phone in public bathrooms. Don’t wear pajama pants outside the house. Stand up against unnecessary use of cilantro (by the way, all cilantro is unnecessary). Smile more than you snarl. And what the heck, eat more vegetables and be a better human.

(Thank you Bill Watterson for your creativity with Calvin and Hobbes.)


Filed under Much Ado About Nothing

Stand in Judgement

0314-judge-judy-cbs-7I don’t know why so many people waste their time judging others based on stupid, superficial things like the melanin levels of their skin, their stand on a power greater than themselves or how they cast their ballot. I could care less how well you wear the color orange, what you do on Sunday morning or if you wrote in Mickey Mouse to be governor of Idaho. However, I believe there are real points that separate us all into one category or another.

A friend of mine recently stated that he judged people by how well they navigated the self-check lanes. Yup. That’s valid. We’ve only had about 20 years of watching the demonstration. Where do you go that there hasn’t been a cashier scanning your stuff? It’s not that difficult to replicate the process on your own, especially with the disembodied voice telling you to “place the item in the bagging area.” But, if you can’t get it, and I’m trying hard to accept and love you even with your short-comings, please use the cashiers but try to pay attention next time.

Straight up, I’ll judge you based on your opinion about the designated hitter. There’s something fundamentally wrong with anyone who thinks the pitcher should have a free pass with the bat in a game where the point is to hit the ball to get on base. That’s why it’s called baseball and not Pitcher’s Mound Ball. It just makes zero sense. You’d never have a rule in football that you couldn’t tackle the quarterback. If the pitcher was that precious, there wouldn’t be a whole bullpen full of replacements! Be forewarned that when I’m the Commissioner of Major League Baseball, that mess is going to get cleaned up. American League pitchers might want to start taking batting practice now.

And, I’m not ashamed to admit, I’m probably going to judge you on whether or not you have a library card. How do you not have a library card? They’re free. Then you get to read books that are free. There are movies, too, if you can’t force yourself to read a book. (Force yourself to read a book anyway.) Get a library card!

Of course, there are good people and then there are cilantro eaters. You’re one or the other. And honestly, the other stuff I can probably get past.

(Thank you, Judge Judy, for being the spokesmodel for this blog post.)


Filed under Much Ado About Nothing

Seeds of All Evil

cilantro  There it was in my mailbox, an innocent looking envelope addressed to me. Yes, I thought it was interesting that there was no return address, but I overlooked that in the excitement that someone had mailed me a letter. My birthday wasn’t so long ago, so maybe it was a birthday card. With money! Except it wasn’t. I’d been mailed a packet of evil.

The envelope did not have a birthday card. No note or letter at all, as a matter of fact. Nothing. Except an American Seed Company packet of cilantro seeds! CILANTRO! In my mailbox! On a scale of one to Hitler, cilantro is off the measurable scale for how much I hate cilantro. I’ve hardly kept that a secret, and yet, someone has mailed me $.99 of unspeakable yuck.

My immediate obvious question was “Who do I call at homeland security to report a terroristic threat?” I see this as being on the same level as the whole anthrax through the US Postal System thing. And how did ISIS get my home address? Or the Taliban?

Then I have to ask why? It’s not as if I’m guilty of a crime by speaking out against the atrocities committed by cilantro. Every single day across the world perfectly good recipes are slaughtered, rendered inedible by cilantro. People starve rather than eat food contaminated by the menace, and I salute their fortitude to stand up against the evil. The struggle is real.

Just because I’m bringing this important issue to the forefront of world consciousness, doesn’t mean that I deserve to be terrorized in my own home. This is still America, the home of the brave and the land of the Free from Cilantro. Join me now in this important crusade!


Filed under Much Ado About Nothing

Don’t you just hate it when…

Don’t you just hate it when someone you love and respect raises the standard expectations of life just a little bit? Don’t you hate it when they decide to be just that much better of a human being? You’re then faced with the decision to continue schlepping along as you were or step up your game, too. I hate that. My dear friend, Hana Bashe, publicly declared recently that she was taking the word “hate” out of her vocabulary in order to be a kinder, more positive person. Well, shoot.

This friend happens to be one of the funniest people I know, snort milk out of your nose kind of funny. On a regular basis, she inspires me to laugh more and snarl less. Naturally, then, what could I do but accept the challenge to no longer hate? It hasn’t been easy.

Moving forward from this point, I will only have a deep level of disregard for creepy clowns, injections, doing push-ups, cilantro, the New York Yankees, and shopping for bathing suits. There is no reason here to hate. The New York Yankees come really close to being a reason, but I’m striving to be a better person. And I’m an Astros fan, so who am I to throw stones?

Okay, here’s a big one: I will find a way to be more tolerant of stupidity in all its forms. Surely there’s a way to do that, even if I haven’t quite found it yet. From grand scale stupidity like the creation of mosquitoes to every day household stupidity like buying a Sham-Wow. Maybe tolerant is too big of a goal. Let’s just say I won’t hate stupidity. So passionately.

I will no longer say I hate snakes. I will agree to simply find their slimy, slithery selves repulsive and frightening. Should I hack one repeatedly with the business end of a hoe until he is well minced, the snake will understand that it has nothing to do with hate on my part.

Or, I could be perfectly honest and say that I hate snakes in every fiber of my being. I hate push-ups, clowns, shots, cilantro and bathing suit shopping and no amount of time in my happy place can change that. Everyone hates the Yankees or should. I really hate how stupidity has become a national pastime. But I LOVE that I have a friend who is above all that.

Leave a comment

Filed under Much Ado About Nothing