There are people who shop at Walmart and then there are “The People of Walmart.” Anyone who needs a brisket, motor oil, bath towels, fertilizer, and hydrogen peroxide but only wants to make one stop and get low prices is simply a person who shops at Walmart. People who buy those things then post videos on social media involving all those items and the corresponding police intervention are likely “People of Walmart.”
The woman in Brownwood, Texas who rode a donkey into the Walmart there is definitely in the People of Walmart category. It doesn’t matter what she was there to purchase, she was riding a donkey. I wasn’t actually at the Walmart to witness the alleged donkey debacle, but it was on the internet, so it has to be true. Therefore it’s my job as a responsible journalist (hahaha) to report on it.
Interestingly, according to the reports, the woman already had several parole violations when authorities arrested and charged her with a DUI. Wow, drunk? Really? Didn’t see that coming! I question, though, whether Driving Under the Influence includes operating a farm animal for vehicular transportation. Maybe she got busted for the Donkey Under the Influence. It says that animal control took the donkey back to wherever he came from, but didn’t mention if he smelled like 190 proof Everclear or if he could pass a field sobriety test. Maybe the donkey is the real perpetrator and the poor woman is just an unwilling participant. … Nah, probably not.
In this poor, intoxicated woman’s defense, it’s not like she was riding the donkey into a Spec’s liquor store which would have really made it hard to defend her in court. Plus, she’s probably not the first person to show her ass in Walmart. Most people, however, usually leave them in a trailer in the parking lot or at least tied up to one of the shopping cart racks. I mean, this is Texas and those things do happen. And, too, she was wearing more than just flesh-colored thong underwear and Saran Wrap, so she’s ahead of the game on some of the other People of Walmart. Maybe she can get credit for that at her hearing. Because the donkey doesn’t seem to have any priors, I hope he gets community service and sobers up.
Stop the dadburn presses! How is it that there are 20 miniature donkeys in Arizona that need to be adopted and no one called me?! These are just a clump of the 160 that wound up at a Texas animal rescue site after a “breeding incident.” Please don’t ask me what a miniature donkey “breeding incident” is exactly. The last time someone used the words “breeding incident,” three-headed toads were swarming out of a university lab. But that’s another story for another time. Right now, there’s a miniature donkey with a cuteness factor well above normal ranges that needs me.
Who wouldn’t want a miniature donkey, unless you were the kind of person who lives in a cave, complains about Christmas and hates all things precious. Because quite honestly, miniature donkeys have the cuteness capabilities to make a basket of Labrador retriever puppies look like a collection of river leaches. They’re that cute.
According to the information I found about the homeless donkey-ettes, they prefer to be together with other little donkey friends. That only sounds like I probably need to adopt several or 20 of them. Of course, I have to pay the $400/per donkey adoption fee and find a way to explain it to my homeowners association — the same homeowners association that had very strong feelings against my Adopt-a-Chicken idea and starting my “We Be Bees” homegrown honey business, but I’m sure they’ll come around on this one. I mean as soon as they see those fuzzy little donkey faces, how can they resist?
Think of the benefits of having a few wee bitty donkeys around! If they’re anything like their larger cousins, the guard donkey, then you can kick your home security system to the curb. They’ll for sure protect your herds of miniature cows and miniature sheep. Plus, they don’t stand outside and bark all night. They’re more fuel efficient than a Prius (not that you could really ride one to HEB for groceries unless you are under about 80 pounds. In which case you need a lot more groceries than you can pack on a miniature donkey so take the Prius). And if you can keep the situation under control, you could breed a few and everyone you know and love gets a miniature donkey baby in their stocking next Christmas! I definitely need miniature donkeys!