Tag Archives: Invation

Lizard Invasion

My office has been invaded by lizards. I’m not talking about those cute little chameleon lizards that drop their tails off or turn brown to avoid discovery. I’m talking more about the Gila monster type of lizard. Think Godzilla. Living in my office. It’s not okay.
My office here in Saudi Arabia is a small room off the back of the garden that was probably used by a previous owner to ferment grapes. Now, it’s used to ferment this column. Or it was until the invasion of the giant reptiles. I think they get in using the gap at the bottom of the door. My explanation for the gap is that the lizards rented a chain saw and created it. When I went back in there after being gone for several weeks, I found one sitting in my chair and another on my computer monitor. It’s like they’d been having parties in there, lizard beer cans and half eaten flies all over the place. They didn’t run away, either. They asked me where the fermented grapes went and if I could turn the AC back up.
If you could get a rope around the neck of one of these fat boys, you could ride him to the river then use him for bait to catch Shamu or Jaws or Moby Dick. What’s worse, I think they’re in cahoots with a black widow spider that’s set up her den of doom under the desk. She may actually be the mastermind of the whole operation. You can’t trust spiders.
You can, however, go forward in the confidence that I am not going in there to serve the eviction notice. I have married one man and birthed two more for the very reason that I would never have to clean up vomit or deal with spiders, lizards, snakes, roaches, or rodents. I sent them in armed with a broom, a shoe box holding cell for transport during deportation and, just in case things got out ugly, the vacuum cleaner.
Thankfully, the lizards seem to surrender peaceably. Although, that kind of makes me nervous. It was almost too easy. It’s 112 degrees outside, and I’m the only thing standing between them and air conditioning. Sure, they’re reptiles, but it wouldn’t take long outside for them to be fried reptile taco filling. Why do I suddenly feel like the hapless blonde in a drunken zombie lizard apocalypse movie? You know, now that I think about it, maybe I can work in the house.

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