Tag Archives: New Year’s

I hereby resolve… pffft

calvin-hobbes-new-years-resolutions-620x469_medium-300x226Oh yes, children. It’s that time of year: the ending of one year and the clean slate of another. That magical time when you believe you can do something different and be something different. It’s time to start making those New Year’s Resolutions, which, depending on the gravity of the resolution, may only last until pie is served tonight at dinner. What the heck, I’m going to make a few anyway.

This year, I’m resolving to answer every robo-call and unidentified number in a foreign language invented and understood only by me. However, it will be based on a long lost ancient Burmese slang, which I will also make up because I don’t even speak modern Burmese let alone the other stuff. Since candidates rarely hire Hindu monks to make campaign calls, I’m feeling pretty cocky that I won’t get called out on this ruse. And it guarantees I’ll annoy them a lot more than they annoy me.

Furthermore, I am resolving to stay away from Chex mix whenever and wherever I encounter it. I’m suspicious that heroin is often a secret ingredient that forms an immediate and unbreakable addiction. You only have to ingest one pretzel/peanut/cereal square combo to be headed down the road to never stopping. There is no such thing as a Chex mix serving size that does not fit in a five pound bucket. Therefore, my only answer is to go cold turkey on Chex mix, so please, no matter how much I beg, don’t give me any.

I’m also resolving to not just watch television shows about people exercising in lieu of actually exercising. Sitting on the couch with a bowl of Chex mix watching American Ninja Warrior, Biggest Loser, and that new show that Dwayne the Rock Johnson hosts called something about muscled up young people doing really hard physical activities probably isn’t going to make me healthier, stronger or skinnier. It may convince me not to attempt to pull a fully inflated tire off a commercial big rig and try to flip it over my head. But I’m pretty sure there was only a small margin of possibility that was going to happen anyway.

Finally, I resolve to be less snarky and sarcastic… Yeah, whatever. Can someone pass me the Chex mix?

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Solutions for Resolutions

tumblr_mxypv3IGab1s6vo7to1_400If you’re scrambling at the last minute to get your New Year’s resolution lined up and are considering just falling back on a trusted standard like kicking that two 12-pack a day Mountain Dew habit, just stop. It’s a new year, it’s time for new resolutions. Forget the “lose weight,” “eat vegetables,” and “be a better human” choices. We all know that no one is going to do any of those and, even if they do, no one really wants to hear about it. Let’s be more creative.

This year give up using plastic bags you don’t need. Shocking, I know, but it’s time to eliminate the urban tumbleweeds already. I honestly believe you can muscle two bananas and a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos to the car without a plastic bag. Give it a try. If you need additional assistance, get someone to help you out to your car, but skip the bag.

If you want a real challenge this year, something that will push you beyond where you think you can go, resolve to use your turn signal. Not just when there’s a state trooper behind you, but all the time. Changing lanes? Use your signal. Turning left? Use your signal. Right turn? You got it: signal. This is an advanced resolution, so keep the plastic bag thing as an option if you think this is too much. Most people do.

You can resolve to return your shopping cart to the cart corral. Don’t just leave it in a parking space or on the stripes next to the handicapped spot. Putting it in front of another parked car is not cool. Neither is hooking the wheels over the curb of the grass around the light poles. You pushed the cart all over the store, surely you can push it another 30 feet and put it in the corral. You can do it. I believe in you.

If these are overly daunting, go for the guaranteed win. Resolve to not talk on your phone in public bathrooms. Don’t wear pajama pants outside the house. Stand up against unnecessary use of cilantro (by the way, all cilantro is unnecessary). Smile more than you snarl. And what the heck, eat more vegetables and be a better human.

(Thank you Bill Watterson for your creativity with Calvin and Hobbes.)

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2016 Dumb Idea #1

Soda-free-zoneThe end of one year and the beginning of the new. Clean slate. Fresh start. Blah, blah, blah. Since I’m not a fan of New Year’s resolutions, I started a month ago to subtract something detrimental from my life and add something positive. I figured if I could hold a commitment to these new habits through the holidays, then I would be more likely to continue them through tsunamis, famine, the Super Bowl, and the first few days of the Zombie Apocalypse. Wow, was this ever a dumb idea.

So I gave up drinking diet sodas. Actually, I gave up drinking all sodas, and it wasn’t pretty. Imagine a rabid dingo with a crack habit suddenly cut off cold turkey. Then multiply that by 2.8 million and add a headache. That was about where I was those first few days. And it was cold turkey. It’s not as if I could just hook a main artery to the Mr. Coffee Machine and feel better. I don’t drink coffee. Never, ever have, so why start now?

For two solid weeks, I would drive a mile and a half out of my way to avoid Sonic during Happy Hour, afraid that my will power would shatter and I’d be banging on the drive-thru window screaming that if I got a Route 44 vanilla diet Dr. Pepper the hostages would be spared. Two hours later, they’d find me with my face stuck under the drink fountain at Buc-cee’s, dead broke, with a bag of Doritos in my hand and a crazed look in my eyes. Better to just avoid that temptation all together.

Now that I’ve started marking my success in weeks rather than 15-minute blocks of time, I can honestly say that, while I am no longer feeling carbonated, I am probably not a better person for this. I’m pretty sure that my kidneys, my dentist, my checkbook, my bone density and all the nice people at the Lipton Tea Corporation probably would beg to differ on that, but it’s still kind of a touchy subject with me, so I don’t care what they think. The truth is, though, now I’m actually afraid to drink a diet soda, afraid that it won’t be the same and all my wonderful memories will be tarnished. So I trudge on alone, soda-free.

Oh, the good thing I added? I floss regularly. Whoop-dee-do.

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