Tag Archives: Over 50

And at my age…

old_lady-1So I had another birthday. It seems they come at me a little faster each year. I’m not complaining, because it’s better than not having them show up at all ever again. My dad is quick to point out that years are like toilet paper: the closer you get to the end, the faster it goes. I think I still have a few more squares left on my roll, but I’ll admit I’m no spring chicken. I’m not even sure I’m a summer chicken anymore, for that matter. Regardless, I am now at an age where there are a few things I just will no longer do.

I will no longer worry about my vanity. I’m not too proud to ask for my senior discount. Over 50? Oh yes, ma’am! Give me that additional 10% off. I was recently at a little community concert and asked for a senior ticket. The woman selling them squinted her eyes, tipped her head back to scrutinize me through her bifocals, and said it was only for those over 50. HA! I whipped out my driver’s license (it has a little piece of scotch tape folded over the end so I can get it out quickly – that’s what you do when you’re over 50) and told her to read it and weep. Or I could read it for her since it wasn’t in big print. Now give me the $3 off, sister!

I will no longer drive a vehicle that can accommodate two kids, their friends, their sports gear, enough groceries for a tribe of indigenous people, and has the option for video screens in the back. Not that I would ever have video screens in my mom-mobile anyway.  “Quit crying kiddies and look out the window. That’s called life out there.” I now drive something small and sporty with seat warmers and a sunroof. My youngest son cannot possibly fit in the back seat, and I’m okay with that. He can drive himself in my cast-off, video-free, mom-mobile because every teenager should drive the family car at some point in their life. It builds character. I drove a ’72 Pontiac Bonneville. It was two-tone: light blue and rust. I’m a better person for it.

I will no longer make friends based solely on my children’s activities. I’ve met great friends sitting on bleachers, but at this point, I want more than physical proximity and a shared hatred for team fundraisers. It’s what happens when you hit 50+. So, yeah, Happy Birthday to me!

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Old Enough to Know Better

ringsAs I hippy-hop past another birthday and deeper into the world of Over 50 (Let’s pause here while you gasp in disbelief that I could possibly be over 50. No really, I’ve already stopped. Go ahead and gasp. At least try to fake some semblance of surprise. Okay, whatever, let’s move on), blah blah into the world of Over 50, I’m surprised at the advice that’s out there to tell me what I can and can’t do now at this age. I recently saw an article on the internet, “What Not to Wear After 50.”

Do they mean, if I’ve worn it 50 times, it’s time to go shopping? Surely, they aren’t going to tell me what I can or can’t wear. Otherwise, I believe they’ve missed the whole point of being over 50, which is I don’t care what you think I should wear or not wear. I can wear whatever I want and not give a patootie what anyone thinks about it.

Now, let me qualify. By this point in my life, I have developed the good sense to not wear pajamas in public. Unless you regularly sleep in the streets, no one should wear pajamas out of the house. Same with yoga pants. If you’re not going to actually do yoga, then wear something else. You don’t walk around in football pants if you’re not going to play football, do you? You don’t have to have a massive brain trust to figure that out.

Here’s a few more pointers. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Don’t wear out your welcome. Don’t wear your problems like a badge of courage, because, really, it’s more like a wet sweater that smells like a dirty yak. Oh yeah, and don’t wear sequins before dark. That’s pretty universal for any age.

If you are over 50, may I suggest you wear feathers at some point. There doesn’t need to be an occasion other than you want to wear feathers. Wear a tiara. It makes you stand taller so it’s good for your posture. Guys, I’m not going to say feathers and tiaras don’t apply to you, too. That’s your call. If you’re over 50, you’re old enough to make that decision. Most importantly, wear at least one really big, gaudy ring. This will enhance the visibility of the hand gesture you make at anyone who wants to tell you what you can or can’t wear.

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