Tag Archives: pets

Cat Attack

The name has been changed to protect past and future victims.

Unprovoked cat violence is real. I know. I’m a victim. 

I recently encountered a house cat on a porch in a respectable, safe neighborhood. It seemed like a nice enough cat, meowing to go inside and rubbing against my legs to be petted. I’m more of a dog person, but I’ve been owned by a cat in the past, so I petted its head. When I stopped, it pushed against my shin for more pets. Okay, fine. More pets. Except then, without any warning, it turned on me like a scorned junior high cheerleader and bit my arm. 

I’m not talking about a little nip or love bite. There are documented sand shark attacks that didn’t look this bad. There’s blood and an open wound. I’m hoping someone will call the paramedics before I go into shock. Mittens, however, could not give a flip. 

Fast forward to urgent care. Cat bites can actually be very serious. A lack of proper brushing and flossing or use of a good antibacterial mouthwash can result in a nasty infection from a bite. I was all about an antibiotic until I found out that Mitten’s rabies vaccine had expired a month and a half ago. While I’m google’ing if aggressive behavior is a symptom of active rabies, the doctor is, by law, reporting the bite to the sheriff.

Law enforcement’s response to the Active Biter situation was swift and decisive and I strongly recommended that the officers go full riot gear when confronting Mittens, Satanic Kitty of Darkness. Before long, Mittens was in kitty cuffs, headed downtown for a perp walk and some time in the hole. Meanwhile I’m watching “Ol’ Yeller” on a loop waiting for my mouth to foam. 

A couple of days later, I followed up to see if Mittens had shown any level of remorse. I’d hoped that a little time in solitary might bring him to Jesus, show him the wickedness of his ways. Mittens, however, issued no apologies. I think Mittens was busy getting a tear drop tattoo, carving shanks from bars of soap and organizing an inside crime ring to move illegal catnip to the streets. 

I want to believe that no cat is beyond redemption and pray that, at some point, Mittens will ask for the help he needs. I also hope he gets updated shots and a collar, accepts the will of a Higher Power and gets his anger issues under control. Stop the violence, Mittens! It’s time to stop the violence!

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Poor Pet Picks

Image result for honey badgerIt’s been just over a year since our well-loved dog Buster chased a squirrel across the Rainbow Bridge. I guess my youngest son believes the official period of mourning should be wrapping up: I can take the sheets off the mirrors and quit wearing black wool every day. Recently, he started a not so subtle campaign for the addition to the family with a text that said, “Talk to Dad about getting a pet from the family of Mustelidae.” This wasn’t going to be good.

I’m sure the Mustelidae’s are a very nice family but maybe we just invite them for dinner first. Before I could Google Mustelidae, a follow-up text explained they’re ferrets, weasels and otters, oh, and honey badgers which, according to the internet, are “very dangerous and deadly to humans.” Okay, dinner is out and I’m questioning the wisdom of letting him major in marine biology.

When I pointed out that I don’t have water for an otter and my homeowner’s association surely will frown on deadly honey badgers, he pushed for the weasel. “Dangerous but not deadly to humans,” so still no.

Today’s text read, “Hey, what about getting a family tortoise. Pass it along in the family.” Nothing says let’s have a game of fetch quite like a family tortoise. But since they live for over 100 years, he says we can pass it down for generations. Which means that there will be Ciampi’s hating us into the next century. He tried pointing out, “Every normal white family has a dog, but the Ciampi legacy is a family tortoise that’s been in the family for years.” Since I’m not driving a crossover SUV or into anything pumpkin spice, I have to do something to maintain my white mom status besides asking to speak to the manager. While the tortoise is cool in a sedate, slo-mo kind of way and a much better choice than a honey badger, it’s still a no.

Son #2 is currently babysitting hissing cockroaches for his Biology lab and is smart enough not to even suggest one as a pet, so college is teaching him something. I’m not convinced there’s another good boy who could follow Buster. I’m also not convinced that Son #2 is giving up. But before he asks, no, we’re not getting a pet giant squid.

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