Tag Archives: Running

The Truth About Running

Russia Glamour Stilettos RaceI use to run — and not just because I was being chased. I actually would run for, I don’t know, I can’t remember why I would do that, but I did. Now, for some reason yet unknown by me, I’ve decided to start running again in earnest. I’ve probably managed to kill off the last brain cell in charge of logical decision-making and running is the obvious fallout. Here are a few things, though, that I’ve discovered in my recent return to recreational running.

First of all, anyone who tries to sell you the line of garbage about endorphins and improved physical health blah bluh bluhh is probably addicted to catnip and concealing a criminal record. The truth is that running, if done right, will improve your cardiovascular system if, and only if, you don’t die first. As I was slogging along on my last run (which had the appearance of a forced death march), I kept wondering if I’d stay conscious long enough to tell the paramedics that my heart was in much better shape from running before he administered oxygen and the shock paddles.

Then there’s the whole fake news stuff about how you’ll look better because of running. After a run of any distance, I look like I’ve been picked out of the moving fan blades of a jet engine. I smell bad. I look bad. And I have an attitude that doesn’t even register anymore on the bad spectrum. There are encounters with rabid dingoes that are more pleasant than being around me after a run. So unless you really like the wild-eyed, red faced, oxygen-starved look, then no, I don’t look better because of running.

Sure, you’ll sleep better (if your calves don’t cramp in the night and cause you to scream obscenities). You’ll meet great people (like the formerly incarcerated catnip dealers). You’ll feel better (when you stop hurting, the toenails grow back and the blisters heal). And think of all the cool fun runs you can join (that cost as much to register for as a case of decent wine, so what really is the better choice?)

So, until this flight of fantastical thinking passes, I’ll be out there setting personal records that can be measured on the same scale as glacier movement. Feel free to tie on your shoes and join me!

(Note: That’s not me in the photo. Although it could be on most days.)

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Rules for Running

The weather is cooling off and my running shoes are getting hauled out of the back of my closet. Not that I consider myself a “runner,” I’m not. But they don’t sell slogging shoes, and Nike isn’t exactly advertising their new Air Plodders, so I have running shoes.

As a non-runner myself, I thought it my civic duty to share a few rules of the road with other non-runners who are considering a jog and hitting the streets these days. So here are the Non-Runners Rules for Running (in no particular order)…

  1. Learn to spit. Spitting makes you look like you mean business even if you don’t. It’s also better than gagging which will out you as an amateur every time.
  2. If you’re a run/walker, someone who runs a little and walks a little (or a lot), always be sure you’re running when someone else can see you. Even if you have to push yourself to the brink of a stroke, run until they can’t see you then collapse in the nearest patch of grass and gasp for air like a fish on the beach. Trust me, your pride is worth it.
  3. If a real runner comes zipping past you, be sure and make fun of him behind his back. Over-exaggerate and mimic his running style and make faces. He’ll never know and you get the last laugh.
  4. Put music on your iPod that was popular the last time you were at your goal weight, target cholesterol level or optimal fitness level. If that was 1985, get ready to load up those favorite B52’s and REO Speedwagon songs. I know it’s excruciating, but no pain-no gain.
  5. Set small goals. Run to the bathroom. When you can do that comfortably, try running out to the mailbox. Jog down to the corner. And back! Run away from home, but take your cell phone so you can call someone to come pick you up again.

These are just some basic guidelines to get you started. Before you know it you’ll be spouting off about Personal Bests and 10 mile splits and how many times you’ve lost your toenails. Now get out there and run!Image

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