Push the seven deadly sins aside! Forget about unspeakable crimes against mankind! Iran, Iraq and North Korea are no longer the Axis of Evil! The true source of evil among us has officially been declared … women drivers. According to the grand mufti of Saudi Arabia, Sheikh Abdul Aziz bin Abdullah al-Sheikh, the matter of women driving cars must be “considered from the perspective of protecting society from evil.” HA! I knew it!
It’s not just annoying to have some woman in front of you at the intersection putting on mascara long after the light has turned green, it’s a portal for pestilence. Giggly girls gabbing on the cell phone instead of paying attention to traffic is eroding the moral fiber of humanity. And don’t even get me started on the eternal damnation we are all being condemned to because women don’t know how to change the oil, check the tire pressure or use a turn signal! All of which is easily avoided by simply prohibiting women from driving. Can I get a kumbaya and an amen from the balcony?
You may recall that our friend, Mr. Abdullah al-Sheikh is the same guy who pointed out that driving would damage women’s ovaries as an argument about allowing them to drive earlier this year. I’m barely coping with the shock and dismay of the reproductive ramifications I’ve inflicted upon myself from years of Toyota time and now I have to accept that my car keys have unlocked uncounted evil into the world. It’s almost too much to bear.
I’m not completely sure that the most senior cleric’s words are getting past the veils of the Saudi women and soaking into their heads, because the push for the right to put the pedal to the metal continues. It obviously wasn’t enough for them this past spring that they were finally given the right to ride a bicycle in public. As long as it was only for entertainment. In a park. If they’re accompanied by a male relative. And dressed in the full abaya and veil. Okay, a burkha on a bike is going to be entertainment no matter which way you look at it, but a burkha in a BMW is a whole new kettle of fish.
If the protests continue and the issue is pressed, I can only expect the Sheikh to tack on another terror. Global warming, the failure of ObamaCare, Honey BooBoo … yup, all because somewhere there are women driving!
Stand back, my ovaries could explode. Okay, maybe not right this second because I’m safely sitting in my office chair. However, should I get into the driver’s seat of any car and actually operate a moving vehicle, I could be seriously damaging my ovaries. And it’s not just me, this applies to every woman who drives. You think I’m kidding, but this is the gospel truth because Shaikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan, one of Saudi Arabia’s top conservative clerics said so. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know for sure, but I think he said it in total seriousness and without laughing. So it’s has to be true.
According to Mr. Saad al-Lohaidan, women who drive are posing a serious risk to damaging their ovaries and bearing children with “clinical problems.” I’ve been driving for the past 35 years. Considering you can’t get anywhere in Texas without driving a long way, that’s a whole lot of driving. My ovaries probably look like a 10-car Katy Freeway pile-up on Monday morning. However, it does explain a lot of things about my kids, like why my 14-year old can’t put his dishes in the dishwasher or take out the trash. Obviously, I drove him to these shortcomings! I can now only blame myself. And Toyota.
Truth be told (although why start now?), this statement was made in an effort to keep the status quo here in the Kingdom that women are not allowed by law to drive. Saudi Arabia is the only country in the world with that law. Women are legally permitted to own the car, but just not drive it. Don’t get too upset, now: They can pilot an airplane. They just need someone to give them a ride to the airport.
Come October 26th, though, there may be a few more pink Cadillac’s cruising the highways and camel trails of the desert, because the word on the streets is that the girls are grabbing the keys and protesting the ban. The idea is to drive the men crazy until they let the women drive cars. Makes sense, but it could mean a hefty fine and even jail time, so they’ve been told by the Sheikh to put “reason ahead of their hearts, emotions and passions.”
And really! Think of your ovaries and your unborn children, ladies! Womb before Wheels! Kiddies before Keys! It makes perfect sense. At least I guess it must make sense to Shaikh Saleh bin Saad al-Lohaidan. But lets see what he thinks after October 26th!