Tag Archives: snakes

Emotional Support Animal Fail

bad-parents-21-2In order to help stressed out college students survive their final exams, universities are starting to bring specially-trained emotional support dogs and cats to campuses. For just a few minutes, muddle-brained students can crawl out of the corner of the library that they’ve inhabited for three solid days without bathing or sleeping and pet a puppy. While I’m not sure this will help anyone overcome a semester worth of skipping classes, anything is worth a shot. You may not be one equation closer to understanding astrophysics, but you’re one fuzzy kitten less stressed about flunking out.

While this is a fine idea, there are a couple of issues here. What about the student who is allergic to animal dander? Instead of spending those crucial last hours memorizing the names and locations of every star in the galaxy along with its atmospheric density, some poor kid is scratching hives, blowing snot, and trying to find their Benadryl through swollen, weepy eyes. The idea of bringing allergen-free emotional support snakes seems to really work against the whole idea of relieving stress and it lacks the same universal appeal as baby bunnies. So, I’m not exactly sure how you balance that.

I have a dog at my house, but if anyone needs some emotional support, it might be Buster. He’s really old now, so he’s confused about a lot of things. And to be honest, when you’re old and lost in the backyard, stress builds up pretty fast. So I guess I need to get him an emotional support squirrel, right? Except squirrels practically send him into apoplectic seizures, not to mention what it does to the squirrel. Then I’m dealing with an unstable, geriatric dog and a yard rodent in stroke mode. Explain to me again how this is helping anyone.

If you ask me, this whole thing is over-rated and way out of whack. Find me an emotional support animal that can pour a glass of wine, cook a nice dinner, run the laundry and file my taxes. Otherwise, you’ve got AA dogs trying to play in the majors. As for the college kids, maybe study more and party less and you can face your exams without sobbing in the fur of someone else’s dog. Oh, and good luck with finals.

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Don’t you just hate it when…

Don’t you just hate it when someone you love and respect raises the standard expectations of life just a little bit? Don’t you hate it when they decide to be just that much better of a human being? You’re then faced with the decision to continue schlepping along as you were or step up your game, too. I hate that. My dear friend, Hana Bashe, publicly declared recently that she was taking the word “hate” out of her vocabulary in order to be a kinder, more positive person. Well, shoot.

This friend happens to be one of the funniest people I know, snort milk out of your nose kind of funny. On a regular basis, she inspires me to laugh more and snarl less. Naturally, then, what could I do but accept the challenge to no longer hate? It hasn’t been easy.

Moving forward from this point, I will only have a deep level of disregard for creepy clowns, injections, doing push-ups, cilantro, the New York Yankees, and shopping for bathing suits. There is no reason here to hate. The New York Yankees come really close to being a reason, but I’m striving to be a better person. And I’m an Astros fan, so who am I to throw stones?

Okay, here’s a big one: I will find a way to be more tolerant of stupidity in all its forms. Surely there’s a way to do that, even if I haven’t quite found it yet. From grand scale stupidity like the creation of mosquitoes to every day household stupidity like buying a Sham-Wow. Maybe tolerant is too big of a goal. Let’s just say I won’t hate stupidity. So passionately.

I will no longer say I hate snakes. I will agree to simply find their slimy, slithery selves repulsive and frightening. Should I hack one repeatedly with the business end of a hoe until he is well minced, the snake will understand that it has nothing to do with hate on my part.

Or, I could be perfectly honest and say that I hate snakes in every fiber of my being. I hate push-ups, clowns, shots, cilantro and bathing suit shopping and no amount of time in my happy place can change that. Everyone hates the Yankees or should. I really hate how stupidity has become a national pastime. But I LOVE that I have a friend who is above all that.

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