Tag Archives: Thanksgiving

Attack Turkeys

Angry Birds!

With Thanksgiving only weeks away, turkeys have gone on the offensive: in Ocean County, New Jersey a large, angry mob of turkeys has started aggressively terrorizing a 55+ retirement community! While this seems to be the current epicenter of the hostilities, we can only wonder how long it will be before it spreads to other vulnerable sectors. My own elderly father lives in a similar community in Texas, naively thinking his biggest concern is whether they’ll run out of scotch during the resident happy hour, while at any moment, he could be under siege by wild, gobbling attackers!

I’d like to say I’m making this up, but as the hard-core, real-news journalist that I am <cough, snort>, I’m obligated to tell most of the truth as I see it. While the flock, led by a number of Tom’s weighing up to 25 pounds (without stuffing), has yet to put forth a spokesman (spokesbird?), it is assumed that these acts of aggression are a response to perceived turkey hate groups like AllRecipes.com and Butterball. Animal rights organizations, however, have yet to issue statements beyond the usual, “Don’t Eat Animals.”

According to first-hand witnesses in New Jersey, the turkey terrorists have been seen chasing down residents, which hardly seem like a fair fight when you consider turkeys can run 25-miles per hour while the average 55-year old woman can barely run faster than 4-miles per hour after coffee and a nap. The fiendish flock has also formed barricades against traffic and perched menacingly on rooftops to swoop down on the unsuspecting Medicare recipients.

MLB right-handed third baseman Todd Frazier has even put in a plea to the New Jersey governor to take action after his cars were attacked and his family members threatened. While it doesn’t seem that the National Guard or state militia have been activated, it was pointed out that state animal control cannot intervene with the rogue turkeys because they’re considered wildlife.

This is a food fight with the food fighting back. Therefore, it’s up to the locals to take matters into their own oven-mitted hands. Rise up, oh retirees! Preheat your ovens! Grab your pitchforks and basters and get ready to storm the ramparts! Show them you’re done talking turkey and put an end to the foul play!

Look for updates as they become available or when the red button pops up.

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Our First Holiday Without Him

tgivingThis Thanksgiving, I joined the countless other forgotten, unloved parents who raised ungrateful, thoughtless children who have the unthinkable audacity to grow up, go away to school, get lives of their own and forget to come home for major holidays. (Insert pathetic sob here.) That’s right, my college student did not spend Thanksgiving Day with us. I always knew one day he’d break our hearts. Instead of being here within the clawing grasp of our loving arms, he went to Toronto instead.

Despite pointing out that he’d have plenty of time to hang out with his friends and see the world after we were dead, he went off anyway. So we cried. Just a little. We can only have small crying fits as crying upsets the dog. And the dog is really old, probably just one upset away from the Rainbow Bridge. Not that it matters, because Buster is so old he probably doesn’t remember that we even have a rotten son. Unfortunately, the rest of us aren’t that old and will likely die of a broken heart long before we can get that old. Not that this matters to anyone in Toronto.

Oh sure, he tried to sort of make it better by coming home for a few days before his little adventure. This was probably an attempt to get us use to what the future holds for us: the days when he’ll speed past our nursing home and honk twice, too busy to actually stop in and wipe the Ensure® off our trembling chins. Never the less, we’ll still be telling the nursing staff what a good son he is in our thin, failing voice, the whole time hoping we haven’t been dumped in the next facility to be investigated by Channel 11 for health code violations.

Honestly, I blame myself. It was me, after all, that raised him to be independent, to jump on opportunity when he sees it, and to chase down every adventure. And I’m not too proud, though, to say I was wrong. Those were bad parenting decisions on my part. Therefore, I think it’s now on him to realize that, forget that whole independent thing, and be home with me every chance he gets. There are millions of kids still living at home with mom, refusing to be launched! Why, oh why, did I get the one that won’t land?! (Insert big sigh here.)

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I’m thankful for lightning bugs. Really.

fireflies
It’s November which means Thanksgiving. Beyond being an excuse to put on ten thoroughly enjoyed pounds at the end of the month, it is a time to remember the things we’re thankful for. Personally, I am blessed way beyond what I deserve. If you know me at all, you’re probably nodding your head in agreement right now at the truth of that statement. So here are a few things for which I have extreme gratitude.

I’m thankful for places like Jiffy Lube so that I don’t have to change my own oil. I’m not saying I couldn’t change my oil, but it could very well cause a spill equivalent to the Exxon Valdez. I thank the good Lord for every day that I’m not required to perform an algebraic function greater than control+ALT+Delete. Not to mention every day that I continue to have the good sense not to wear pajamas in public and that I’m still able to order things in restaurants that do not have cilantro in them.

I think we can all agree that Happy Hour at Sonic pretty much makes everyone’s life better, mine especially. Even at full price, a Route 44 Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper puts you one step closer to a better world. Put a small stack of Oreo cookies next to that and your gratitude bucket is topped off and overflowing. Can I get an “amen!”

Who among us is not thankful for lightning bugs? Fireflies are the coolest thing in the bug world and universally make everyone happy. If I had to be an insect, I’d want to be a lightning bug, because what could be better than having the ability to fly and have your rear end light up at night. At the same time. This has to drive every living cockroach insane with jealousy which makes it all that much better. I’m thankful that I live in a world that still has fireflies.

I’m thankful that I live in a country where everyone has a voice, even if they use that voice to stay really stupid things. Not that I’m judging, because, let’s face it, I’m given this blog to say whatever stupid thing I want. And it gets posted on the internet for tens of people to read. I am, in fact, blessed beyond what I deserve.

(Thank you firefly.org for the cool picture. I’m thankful for that, too!)

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