Tag Archives: threat

Bananas: the One, True Threat

evil_bananaI can’t verify this, but if things continue as they are, I may be driven to the point that I have the opportunity to find out first-hand. But, I’m pretty sure that the road to Hell is trimmed in banana plants, those big, floppy-leafed scourges of the yard. The only thing that could possibly make banana plants more hatefully heinous would be cross-breeding them with poison oak. At which point, we need to tap out and surrender the planet because we’ve lost the war on agri-terrorism.

If you’re considering planting one of these pests in your yard, just go home because you’re drunk. You’d be better off – and definitely happier in the long run – if you simply backed up a cement truck and paved over your entire property. Although, this may be the only way to get rid of the chlorophyll creatures from the pits of someplace unspeakable once you’ve got them.

Despite my homeowners association frowning on such thing, I’m talking napalm, flame-throwers, small nuclear devices detonated from a safe distance across the street. Voodoo and practitioners of the dark arts are also not off the table in my battle against the bananas. Here’s the problem: you can hack them to the roots, dig them out and salt the earth and they’ll still find a way to come back. They’re vegetational herpes. This is truly the price we’ve paid for the whole mishap in the Garden of Eden: God said, “Get out and go live in shame with the banana plants.”

So after two long, bloody years of hand-to-leaf combat, I finally felt I had eradicated the green plague. Then as I’m licking my wounds and trying to recover from the resulting PTSD, the banana plant in my neighbor’s yard has sent up a scout on my side of the fence. Naturally, I’m triggered. The machete has long since been put in a locked location to keep me from hurting myself or others (like my neighbor who obviously shops in the garden center at ISIS Depot).

Unless your family name is Dole and you live in a jungle in Nicaragua, there’s no reason to have banana plants. Propagating this problem should be considered a crime against all humanity and punished accordingly. For the sake of all that’s holy, If you want a banana, go to Kroger.

(Tip of the hat to Mabination for the graphic)

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Seeds of All Evil

cilantro  There it was in my mailbox, an innocent looking envelope addressed to me. Yes, I thought it was interesting that there was no return address, but I overlooked that in the excitement that someone had mailed me a letter. My birthday wasn’t so long ago, so maybe it was a birthday card. With money! Except it wasn’t. I’d been mailed a packet of evil.

The envelope did not have a birthday card. No note or letter at all, as a matter of fact. Nothing. Except an American Seed Company packet of cilantro seeds! CILANTRO! In my mailbox! On a scale of one to Hitler, cilantro is off the measurable scale for how much I hate cilantro. I’ve hardly kept that a secret, and yet, someone has mailed me $.99 of unspeakable yuck.

My immediate obvious question was “Who do I call at homeland security to report a terroristic threat?” I see this as being on the same level as the whole anthrax through the US Postal System thing. And how did ISIS get my home address? Or the Taliban?

Then I have to ask why? It’s not as if I’m guilty of a crime by speaking out against the atrocities committed by cilantro. Every single day across the world perfectly good recipes are slaughtered, rendered inedible by cilantro. People starve rather than eat food contaminated by the menace, and I salute their fortitude to stand up against the evil. The struggle is real.

Just because I’m bringing this important issue to the forefront of world consciousness, doesn’t mean that I deserve to be terrorized in my own home. This is still America, the home of the brave and the land of the Free from Cilantro. Join me now in this important crusade!

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Filed under Much Ado About Nothing