Tag Archives: wedding

Gifts That Don’t Give

gift cardWe’ve all gotten the ubiquitous gift card (look that word up). Everything is available in a gift card these days and what isn’t you can cover with the use-everywhere-major-credit-card gift card. The question, then, is what do you do with the gift card when you’ve spent all the money on it? Throw it away so it’ll end up in a landfill until the earth is struck by an asteroid and melted? Sure, that’s one option. I think I might have another, more immediate solution: re-gifting!

This is the season for graduations, weddings and Father’s Day. It doesn’t take long for your wallet to get sucked dry with all the congratulations/I love you/you’re a great dad stuff that is best expressed with a token of your admiration. But what if you don’t really like those people and don’t want to dump a bunch of cash on a gift for them? Here’s where the gift card re-gifting comes in!

Say your nephew is getting married. Because you happened to say at the last family gathering that the Bugs Bunny tattoo he got from his shoulder blades to his butt crack was ridiculously stupid, he doesn’t invite you. What better way to show him it didn’t bother you than to send a $200 Macy’s gift card … with no actual money on it? Of course he won’t realize that until he’s at the register with his new bride trying to purchase that MixMaster with the stainless steel pasta blade attachment. But at that point, you get the last laugh.

The graduate attending commencement only because his teachers felt seven years in high school was enough for anyone will love the re-gifted Target gift card. What better way to say, “Get a real job and earn your own money!”

For the father that abandoned you as a baby to be raised by wolverines? You got it: the re-gifted Bass Pro Shop gift card. Money can’t buy you love. And a good thing, because there’s no money on that gift card!

What’s the worst that can happen? The recipient actually calls and asks where the money is? Play dumb. And if you knew what ubiquitous meant without looking it up, then practice playing dumb so you’ll be ready. Now just consider this my gift to you.

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Don’t Screw Up Royally

180323-royal-wedding-invitations-cost-featured-coupleThe invites are out for next month’s royal wedding, and I wait anxiously for mine to arrive, the whole while brushing up on a few key royal guest no-no’s in order to not be sent to the Tower to await beheading.

First of all, don’t hug the Queen. Did you hear that, Michelle Obama? Don’t hug the Queen. I know it was just that one time you put your hand on her back, but she’s squirrely about the whole personal space thing. I think this goes back thousands of royal generations. You think the Marquis de Sade is your buddy and just wants to give you a warm, happy hug, and the next thing you know, there’s a knife in your back. Happened all the time, just ask Julius Caesar. Sure the Knights of the Roundtable wear metal suits, but hardly practical for the Queen. This may be why you’re not invited this time. And why President Trump is also not invited.

Secondly, don’t send texts, update your status, or tweet. Really? I’m considering the caliber of the guest list here. Don’t people at this level have “people” to do that for them? Don’t they clench their jaws and say, “James, send a line to Mumsy to have Buffy’s polo pony walked.” Or “James, FaceBook that Lady Wallingford looks like a stuffed platypus in that horrible dress LOL.” The key here is to wait until after the nuptials to worry about Buffy’s polo pony. And remember that Lady Wallingford is one of your FaceBook friends, so she’ll read that.

Other tips: Back up when leaving the presence of the Royals. I don’t know if that is related to the fact that the lactose intolerant rarely get invited to these things or not. Just back up and don’t knock anything over. Also, ladies must wear a hat. The one you wore to the rodeo is a no. Yankees baseball cap is a double no. I wouldn’t even wear that one to a dog fight. Think pretty but low profile. You don’t want Lady Wallingford to smack it off your head because she can’t see the bride.

Prince Harry and Meghan are contemporary and a bit unconventional, but don’t expect that to mean that all the rules are right out the royal window. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check the mailbox again.

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